Looking for Completion - The Story
by dlsocmed
Summary: Decided I just couldn't stop...turning my script into a story. This is my story version of what could happen after the series came to a premature end. I originally wrote this as a script, but now am revisiting it as a story. Warning - explicit gay fanfic - and in case you were wondering...totally Team Kevin.
1. The Fallout

Kevin looked out of his office windows onto the MDG developers' floor. It was eerily quiet. He'd been in the office alone before but today the building seemed especially silent and somber. Kevin smiled wryly at himself. Yeah, right. The building was sympathizing with him. Reflecting his mood. Because buildings did that. He was such a twat. Melodramatic cunt.

Still, he was allowed a little wallowing wasn't he? A few hours of self pity before he got back to the business of pulling his life together. Kevin dropped his head back and stared up at the ceiling of his glass cube. Fuck, he was tired. So very very tired. He'd got four hours sleep at most the night before, which wouldn't have been such a big deal if he also didn't feel like he'd had the living shit beaten out of him. Maybe he was getting the flu? He rubbed his eyes trying to ease the gritty feeling that he'd had since the early hours of this morning, when he'd stood on their...his...rooftop and begged Patrick to trust him. To take a chance on him. When he'd stood there silently willing Patrick to believe in the love that he had professed to Kevin just a few weeks earlier, willing Patrick to take back all those words that he'd said that had cut Kevin like a fucking knife.

Nope. No more drama. No 'sad' building metaphors, and pathetic cutting knife analogies. This shit was too fucking real for that crap. He felt like he didn't want to be alive and have to go through this. That's how he felt. Like he'd had his whole life fucked up and he had no idea what he was supposed to do until he didn't feel like this anymore.

And he didn't have anyone to blame but himself. He'd rushed things. He'd pushed too fast. He'd known Patrick was skittish, had one foot out the door even as he'd walked into what was supposed to be their new apartment with his box of precious belongings. Kevin accused Patrick of sabotaging them, but then that's exactly what he had done, from the moment Patrick had started asking all those questions about his past indiscretions. Why the fuck couldn't he have just let it go. Or even just tell Patrick, at any one of so many moments last night, that Patrick would be enough for him for ever. That Patrick was all he wanted. It wasn't even a fucking lie. Kevin couldn't imagine wanting to fuck anyone else ever again so why couldn't he have just shut his stupid mouth about monogamy and hand jobs in gym locker rooms and being realistic...It was their moving in day! What type of moron would bring up crap like that on the first official day of living together? With someone like Patrick!

Kevin leaned forward to drop his head in his hands.

What was he going to do now? There was a whole bunch of practical things he should probably be concentrating on, like getting Patrick's stuff out, like figuring out what work was going to look like tomorrow...but he couldn't do any of that. He was basically paralyzed by despair...again...because of Patrick Murray. Jesus. He'd been here before. They'd been here before. With Kevin desperate and begging and Patrick holding all the cards. That's why he couldn't do it again.

Kevin had begged Patrick to trust him last night, trust that he could change, that he could keep his dick in his pants, that he would be what Patrick wanted him to be. And Patrick had left sometime in the early hours of the morning, with Kevin sleeping, leaving no note, no text, nothing...and had gone back to Richie. The perfect Saint Richie.

Kevin had literally not been able to catch his breath when he saw Patrick walk back in to the apartment this morning with his all his beautiful hair buzzed off. There couldn't have been a clearer picture drawn of how fucked they were now. Because in that instant he'd known that he couldn't trust Patrick not to break his heart, and that Patrick could walk away unscathed and that Kevin...wouldn't. How fucking ironic. They were breaking up because of trust issues after all.

Fuck. Even thinking the words 'breaking up' was shattering him. What had he done? Had he really told Patrick to leave? How was that even possible, when every bit of him wanted to be with Patrick for ever. Well...not every bit of him. Not the furious bit of him that couldn't fucking believe how heartless Patrick had been in leaving him to stew and worry and be scared out of his mind while he went to 'visit' Richie. The rage ignited so quickly when he saw Patrick's hair and all he could think of was how Richie had had his hands all over Patrick's head, and Patrick had gone to find comfort in the one person he knew would trigger all of Kevin's alarms. That had to be deliberate. What a fucking bastard.

'Right. I see.' Kevin had barely managed to bite out, looking at Patrick who was just standing there, holding himself defensively, barely able to look Kevin in the eyes. 'Well, I should have known when Agustin said you weren't over there, should have known where you've been these past couple of hours.' Kevin laughed bitterly, mostly at himself for being such a god damned fool.

'You called Agustin?' Patrick had looked shocked. Right, because why would an uncaring bastard like him worry about his boyfriend who had suddenly gone missing after the worst fight of Kevin's life.

'Err...yes Patrick. I called Agustin. Because when I woke up this morning and you were gone, funnily enough, I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were all right.' Kevin drawled sarcastically. And then, because he was a fool and couldn't figure out how to protect himself from Patrick, he continued, when he should have just stopped. 'Because I couldn't stand the thought of you out there, feeling sad and scared, just like I was feeling in here, waiting for you to come back. Obviously needn't have bothered though right?'

And then Kevin turned away from the sight of Patrick and started for the bedroom. That was fucking it. He couldn't do this anymore. Patrick was going to break him into a thousand pieces if Kevin let him.

Patrick followed him though, because nothing about this was going to be easy of course.

'Where are you going?' Patrick seemed bewildered that Kevin could walk away. As if he hadn't shown Kevin how that was done so many times.

'I'm going to pack up the few things you unpacked yesterday so you can get your stuff out of this fucking apartment. You can help if you want. Speed the whole thing up a bit.' Kevin said shortly, trying to hold the tears back. He wouldn't let him see the fucking tears.

'Could you just stop a moment. Kevin, could you just...' Patrick began.

But Kevin didn't want to hear anything more.

'I don't really feel like stopping just this moment, Patrick. What I really feel like doing is smashing some things up and maybe breaking a few things, but since we are both 'adults' I am, instead, going to just hurry you on your way.' He interrupted Patrick. Shit. He was still showing his vulnerability. He had to stop doing that.

'Are you completely insane? What the fuck...' Patrick grabbed Kevin's arm as he started pulling boxes onto the bed and randomly throwing stuff into them. He didn't even know if it was his or Patrick's stuff he was picking up from the floor.

'You know 'what the fuck' Patrick?' Kevin shook off Patrick's hand, rounding on him, letting his anger come through with every word. 'I'll tell you 'what the fuck'. It took you less than 24 hours from you moving in here to running back to fucking Richie to comfort you over your useless cunt of a boyfriend, unless you're going to tell me someone else gave you that lovely buzz cut you're sporting this morning.'

'I did go and see Richie, but it's not what you think...' Patrick stood his ground but his voice wavered.

'You've got no idea what I think, babe.' Kevin shook his head bitterly, the last of his sad desperate secret hope dying as he heard Patrick say Richie's name. 'I know you didn't fuck him, but you know what? I know that because perfect Richie has a boyfriend and he's not a cheater is he? You, on the other hand...and of course, well, me...if it were up to either of us, he'd be balls deep in one of us this very minute, right?' Kevin pressed on, feeling more and more like he wanted to cut Patrick with his words. Make him feel some of the confusion and bitterness that he felt.

'Shut up, Kevin.' Patrick threw back at him 'I wouldn't have done that to you. I told you last night...'

'Oh but Patrick, how can I trust you? Once a cheater... right?' Kevin cut him off again. He didn't even want to hear Patrick referencing last night ever again. He'd lost the moral high ground to do that when he'd gone to Richie. 'You let me fuck you without a condom...oh sorry, forgot you don't like to be reminded of that. And somehow that little episode still makes ME the cunt, right? Still, you're right. You wouldn't let another man touch your penis now that we're together. Cos you're that good of a man, Paddy.' Kevin felt the words coming out of him, like poison. Words he had to say otherwise they'd suffocate him. 'No, you wouldn't cheat on me, would you. Sure, you might leave me without a word or thought after the worst fucking night of my life, and then show up hours later obviously having spent the morning with the perfect ex-boyfriend who is JUST such a fan of ours, but at least I can be safe in the knowledge that no other hand has been on my Patrick's dick this morning. I am just so fucking lucky.' He ended, forcing him to keep looking at Patrick even though the very sight of him and his hair was making him feel sick. With fear. Of how much this had all gone to shit and how much this was going to hurt.

But Patrick didn't seem scared, or bitter, or concerned. Now he just seemed angry.

'I don't know where this is coming from. After what you said last night, I don't see how you get to be so angry that I felt like I needed some space this morning and went to see a FRIEND...' Patrick fought back.

'I'll tell you why I get to be angry Patrick. I would have thought it would be pretty fucking obvious, but let me explain, AGAIN.' Kevin snapped. And here it was. The bottom line. 'I happily, willingly upturned my life for YOU. I practically BEGGED you to take me back once, and then last night I BEGGED you again to trust me, and to give us a chance, and then your choice, your decision this morning was to go and see Richie before I'm even awake.' How could he do that? It felt like Patrick wanted to find the absolute most painful way to hurt him. How could he do that if he loved Kevin even a little bit? But then again...wasn't that the point? Did he love Kevin? Well...whatever the answer was to that million dollar question, he'd chosen a path of action. 'And that's not fucking OK with me.' Kevin ended, and that was the saddest truth. There was practically nothing Patrick could have done to drive Kevin away, but he'd found the one thing. He'd turned his back on Kevin when he was at his weakest and most vulnerable. Again.

Now Patrick looked concerned.

'I should have told you before I left but I was just...confused...it's still all...from last night...it's still confusing but I decided...' he was stumbling over his words, and any other time Kevin might have felt the need to back off and comfort him. But not now. He had no comfort left to give. Not even to himself.

'It WAS confusing, you're right,' Kevin agreed wearily, 'but now it just seems fucking crystal clear to me Patrick. I thought it was strange before how you could walk away so easily from what we had. How you could be so alright with me choosing Jon, but I can see now that actually walking away is what you do best, isn't it? That's a hell of a lot easier for you than staying and fighting for something.' Kevin ended quietly.

God. Could this conversation be over. Surely there was nothing more to say. But apparently Patrick didn't agree.

'Are you serious?' He stepped closer to Kevin, practically pushing his face into Kevin's and some of his concern was obviously replaced with something more like the corrosive anger Kevin was feeling. 'It wasn't easy for me then, but you gave me no choice! What did you want me to do? Go around the office crying and tearing my fucking hair out? How could I fight for you? You were with Jon!'

This again? Ok. They could go there.

'Oh, that's right. I had all the power right. It was all up to ME. Which makes me wonder...Patrick...how in all that's holy, how is it, that with all that 'power' I'M the one that is always begging YOU to stay?' Kevin stared him straight in the eyes, and felt his renewed rage giving him some of the strength he needed to get through this.

'You didn't have to beg me to do anything, Kevin. As soon as you left Jon I've been with you every step of the way. And you only left him because I wouldn't go on with the lying.' Patrick spat out furiously. 'For fuck's sake, I moved in with you yesterday and I was ready to start our lives together until YOU...' Patrick stopped suddenly mid-rant, and stared at Kevin, breathing heavily.

And just like that, in an instant, Kevin's anger and rage dissipated. The breaking point. The fault line. Patrick's righteous indignation. Kevin looked out of the window.

Trust. That was the real bitch wasn't it. Kevin turned back to look at Patrick, and his heart broke again as he saw the pain and confusion on that beloved face.

'Right. So...where does that leave us?' Kevin asked quietly.

'Kevin, I swear I wasn't leaving this morning.' Patrick answered, just as quietly, obviously trying to calm himself down. Kevin appreciated that. He knew just how hard this whole conversation was. 'I just needed...space...to NOT think, if that makes any sense. And yes, Richie is...he's...he just seems to know instinctively what's right, and I just wanted to feel grounded for a minute, just, you know...AWAY from this, just somewhere calm.' Patrick went on, and his words were like acid in Kevin's brain. He could never compare to the goodness of Richie. And Patrick knew that and would always have that comparison playing out in his head. 'We didn't even talk about any of this. You can call and ask him if you don't believe me.' Patrick held out his phone to Kevin, his voice earnest, his eyes pleading.

Kevin looked down at the floor, not able to face Patrick. Tears started forming in his eyes, but he blinked them back and gave a small mirthless laugh.

'So you can check my phone to see if I've been on Grindr this morning arranging a hook up, and I can check yours to see if you've been texting Richie for relationship advice. We're a perfect couple aren't we?' He shook his head, feeling like this was surely the lowest point they could ever get to.

'I was going to tell you as soon as I came in this morning that I've decided that I CAN trust you, but you didn't give me a chance...' Patrick tried to reach up to cup Kevin's face, but Kevin couldn't handle that. He would fall apart if Patrick was tender with him now. He took Patrick's hand in his own and held it tightly. He meant to let it go but holding him still felt right. Muscle memory. That would take a while to lose probably.

'It doesn't matter though, Patrick.' Kevin shook his head, trying to find the words to explain that it was too late. That he finally believed those horrible words that Patrick had told him last night about their hearts working differently, about how Patrick had just been playing grown-ups...'Because I'm finding I don't trust YOU. I DON'T believe you'll trust me, but I DO believe you'll always have one foot out the door, ready to walk away.' Kevin said brokenly. 'And it won't even take a little tug at the gym for you to leave me without looking back. All it will take is the THOUGHT that I might not live up to my promise. Or maybe all it will take is Richie to crook his holy little finger at you...I don't know.' Fuck. He really didn't know. How could it have come to this? He had to make Patrick understand that he was done with trying to keep someone who didn't want to stay.

'I DO know that I'm just exhausted from fighting so hard at persuading you to love me and commit to me, and that maybe Richie was right and you're not ready. Or maybe I'm just the wrong bloke and you never really loved me in the first place.' Kevin felt the first beginnings of panic at the thought of what that really meant. Jesus fucking christ. How could he have been so blind.

'Kevin, please don't do this.' Patrick tried again, and finally Kevin's meaning seemed to have penetrated because Patrick looked lost. 'I've been thinking so much about this all night, and you were right, this CAN work. I DO trust you and you can trust ME that I'm in this with you. I freaked out! You know how I can be, but I just needed some time to get my thoughts straight and I KNOW that we can make this work.' He continued talking. But talking was easy. And words were cheap to Patrick. He used so many of them and didn't seem to care what effect they had on others. So last night he worried about never getting a good night's sleep with Kevin again, and this morning he thought the two of them could make it work. Which Patrick was the real one? Kevin couldn't take yet another chance to find out.

Kevin looked at Patrick, seeing the tears that were forming in Patrick's eyes start to roll down his face, watching him reach out a hand again to hold Kevin still, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't stay.

'I'm sorry...' Kevin shook his head. He needed to get out of there before he lost his fucking mind. 'Look, I just have to go now, OK? I can't be...in the same room right now.' Shit. Patrick's face was killing him. But what about his own broken heart? Who was looking out for that? 'I think it's best if you move back out for now, so I'll be gone for a few hours.' Did those words come out of his mouth? He almost took them back because they sounded so preposterous to his own ears. But...self preservation was kicking in now, and he gave in to the need for it. 'I'll call you later so we can sort things out for tomorrow.' And those were the last words he said to Patrick before he walked out. No longer angry or bitter or resentful. Just so fucking sad.

So here he was, having fled the apartment, not able to stand being there for one more second. But...he'd had nowhere to go. His whole life was tied up in Patrick's. Because he'd held nothing back. He'd left Jon, and by extension, their mutual friends. He'd spent all his subsequent time with Patrick, not wanting to do anything more than hang out with him eating pizza, watching TV and fucking. He'd just put everything into this relationship and it hadn't been enough. Not for Patrick.

Well, shit. Now what. Kevin took a deep sigh and squared his shoulders. He couldn't sleep here tonight and he sure as fuck wasn't going back to that apartment. He'd have to find a hotel to crash for the night, and then tomorrow...well...tomorrow he'd have to face Patrick and start figuring this mess out. Fucking depressing.

Kevin powered up his work computer to star the practical task of finding somewhere to get some much needed sleep. He'd kept his phone and laptop off knowing that Patrick had probably tried to text or call him and he wasn't ready for that yet. He needed all his defenses shored up fully before he could deal with that.

But fucking hell, he'd forgotten about work email. Or rather, Patrick hadn't. Five fucking emails, all with the same subject line 'please call. i'm freaking out.'

Shit. Bugger. Fuck.

Come on Kevin, he willed himself, don't be a cunt. Don't fucking call. Don't drag this out. He could feel himself wavering. The thought of Patrick freaking out was just too fucking awful. But if he called, it would just be more of the same. Them hurting each other with accusations, Patrick needing reassurances that Kevin just didn't have the energy to give, Kevin feeling resentful at needing to beg and plead over and over...what was the fucking point? Patrick had made it clear through his actions that he couldn't trust Kevin and Kevin wasn't going to be able to spend a lifetime proving him wrong. Patrick's neediness required strength and solidity, and Kevin's was all used up. Patrick had done a number on him, and he had no reserves left. He wished he had because he knew that being without Patrick was going to hurt like a motherfucker, but...he couldn't keep Patrick through bullying and cajoling and persuading. Patrick wasn't a child.

But...he had told Patrick he would call him. That was the last thing he'd said to him this morning. And maybe Patrick needed him just this one last time. Patrick was out there somewhere feeling scared and sad. And that thought was just too horrible. Patrick freaking out, crying, contemplating his shattered life...just the idea of that made Kevin wince. He needed to at least let Patrick know that he was 'ok', in case he was anxious about that. And what's more, Kevin needed to know that Patrick was being looked after. Just seeing Patrick's emails made him feel so restless. Where was he? With friends? Please god not with Richie. No...he wouldn't be trying to reach Kevin if he was with Richie. He wouldn't be that cruel. He was probably with Agustin back at his place. Agustin could be relied on to look out for Patrick.

So he didn't need to call.

Though he'd said he would.

So, maybe just one quick call to make sure Patrick was safe, and to let Patrick know that they would talk tomorrow.

Kevin held his breath as he picked up his work phone and dialed Patrick's cell. If it went to messages he would just tell him...

Patrick picked up after the first ring.

'Kevin?' he heard Patrick's voice. Kevin squeezed his eyes closed as he felt tears well up again. Just at the sound of his fucking voice.

'Kevin? Say something. Where are you?' Patrick's voice again, sounding urgent, a little frantic.

'Uhm...hi.' Kevin managed to say quietly, praying his voice sounded normal.

There was a long silent pause and then, just so that Kevin could know how truly and deeply he was fucked, Patrick sighed and then drew in a quick breath, as if he was crying, and Kevin's heart started hammering with the need to comfort him.

Yep. He was completely and utterly fucked.


	2. The Pieces

'Kevin? Say something. Where are you?' Patrick pleaded urgently, holding his breath, willing Kevin to break the silence. He sensed Agustin and Dominic watching him, and he moved out of the kitchen to the hallway so he could have some pretense at privacy. Not for his own sake. God knows the boys had watched him break down enough times today as he sat and contemplated the huge fucking mess his life had become overnight. But...this was also Kevin's moment, and he knew Kevin didn't like an audience. He wouldn't want other people witnessing this, whatever 'this' was going to turn out to be.

'Uhh...hi.' Patrick heard Kevin say quietly, and the sheer relief at hearing his voice made his stupid fucking tears start up all over again. But he didn't want Kevin to know. He didn't want Kevin feeling guilty and responsible and shitty just because he was finding it hard to keep it together.

Patrick tried to breathe through his tears silently, but Kevin knew him too fucking well.

'Christ, Patrick. Don't.' Kevin murmured, sounding dejected and weary. Fuck. That was the voice of someone who had pretty much given up.

'I want to see you. Can I see you?' Patrick rushed in, wincing as he heard the neediness in his own voice.

'Patrick...' Kevin sighed.

'I don't want to talk over the phone. I don't have that much to say but I want to say it in person. It won't take long. I promise.' Patrick pushed on. He had to see Kevin face to face. 'And then if you want you can just tell me to fuck off and I won't bother you again.' Patrick tried to laugh feebly. 'Though that's actually a lie because I won't let you tell me to fuck off without putting up a fight. Please just let me see you.' Patrick ended with a whisper, his had clenching his cell phone so tightly that he was surprised he didn't shatter it.

And then he forced himself to wait. And wait. And fucking wait.

The ball was in Kevin's court, and all Patrick could do was pray Kevin loved him more than he was mad at him. There was no doubt Kevin loved him, and that love couldn't have dissipated overnight, but there was also no doubt that Patrick had driven him over sort sort of cliff this morning with what he perceived as Patrick's betrayal. And the anger with which he'd faced Patrick as he'd taken in the hair-cut and drawn the obvious conclusion that Patrick had deserted him to go and find solace with Richie...well, that was some pretty fucking powerful stuff, and at this moment, with a whole day staying out of contact with Patrick, holed up god knows where, it was anyone's guess as to whether Kevin's anger had been stoked and fired up with hours worth of indignant contemplation, or whether he had calmed down and just missed Patrick as much as Patrick missed him.

'Ok.' Kevin eventually murmured, and Patrick's felt the relief like a physical balm. Thank fucking God. But he had to seize the moment. No time to get complacent. There was still a long road ahead of him tonight if he was going to get Kevin to give them another chance. And that was exactly what he was determined to do. Kevin had wondered if last night's fight had been to keep them together or break them up, and honestly, at that moment Patrick hadn't known either. But now, almost twenty four hours and a whole fuck of a lot of self examination and introspection and, yes, a lot of drama and tears and anger, he finally knew the answer. He was going to fight for them to be together because the alternative was unthinkable.

So now all he had to do was get Kevin on the same team. Which yesterday would have been a ridiculous thought but today...with all the hurtful words spoken and with all the doubts and mistrust Patrick had thrown at him, was not at all a done deal. Patrick had his work cut out for him and his strongest ally was going to be the fact that Kevin used to find it hard to deny him anything he wanted. That Kevin found him irresistible and moved mountains to be with him.

How had he lost sight of that yesterday? How was it possible that all he heard was Kevin not loving him enough? He'd gone into self preservation mode so quickly, forgetting that Kevin was the one that had made himself vulnerable over and over again and risked so much to be with him. Stupid fucking insecurities. He needed to get a grip on that crap. It wouldn't happen overnight, but he had to show Kevin that he was ready and willing to work on that, and that he wasn't going to let Kevin walk away any time soon.

And Patrick had a plan. A tentative one. One that needed more time to be fleshed out and thought through, but he had no more time, so it was going to have to be implemented in a half-assed way and he was just going to have to rely on the fact that Kevin loved him to get him through this.

'Can we meet now? At the office? Up on the roof? I can be there in twenty minutes. I'm at Agustin's and I'll take an Uber...' Patrick started, letting his desperation show. But...that was part of the plan.

'The office?' Kevin interrupted.

'Yeah. It's kind of like a neutral zone. And...a happy place. Where it all began, right?' Patrick didn't want to give away too much over the phone. It would be closer to meet at their apartment but Patrick didn't think they were ready quite yet to face that. So hopefully Kevin wasn't averse to traveling to the office late on a Sunday evening. He held his breath waiting.

'I'm already here. I've been here...all day.' Kevin said quietly. Oh god. Patrick hadn't thought about where Kevin might go. He'd just assumed that at some point he'd gone back to their apartment and seen that Patrick hadn't taken any of his stuff, had left everything there. He'd thought that Kevin knew Patrick had chosen not to listen to him and had obviously decided not to leave. He'd never imagined that Kevin had spent the day alone, thinking that Patrick was now gone. Fuck. Patrick's heart broke as he pictured Kevin sitting alone in his glass cube, avoiding the apartment, avoiding Patrick...

'Don't move. I'll be right there.' Patrick ordered him frantically, but no...that wasn't right. 'I mean, you should move. Go up to the roof. You can unlock it from the inside right? Wait for me in our spot, ok? I'm ordering a cab right now so I'll be there fifteen minutes tops. Don't leave, ok?'

'Patrick...' Kevin sighed loudly over the phone, and Patrick felt a new rush of panic as he heard a note of stubbornness creep into Kevin's voice.

'I'm hanging up now. Don't. Leave.' Patrick said briskly before ending the call. And within seconds he'd located an Uber car two minutes away. Good. No time to second guess or think about what he was doing.

'Paddy, what the fuck are you doing?' Agustin suddenly materialized beside Patrick in the hallway, with Dom right behind him.

'I'm doing what we discussed. I'm going after him. I'm going to cajole and bully him and supplicate myself before him, and I'm going to get him back.' Patrick explained, though he would have thought after the hours of conversations the three of them had had this afternoon it was pretty fucking obvious. It was after all a plan they'd sort of all come up with together. They probably just hadn't expected Patrick to jump in and start implementing it quite so rashly.

'Do you think seeing him now, when you're both still raw and emotional...' Dom began carefully.

'That's EXACTLY when I have to see him. We've never been about being sensible and thinking things through. We've always been about following our emotions and instincts. If either of us had taken a moment to think about it we would never have started fucking in the first place. So...this is what and who we are. Raw and emotional...and fuck it...it works when we're like that. When it's about how he feels about me and how I feel about him. It only gets fucked up when we make it about being smart and sensible. So...I'm going to wait on that. I'm going with the plan where I don't give him a chance to think about things, and I don't let him contemplate life without me. I'm going to be in his face, in his bed, I'm going to be everywhere he looks, and we'll work all this crap out together. Or...we won't. But it won't be because I let him drive me away or because I got cold feet.'

Agustin and Dom looked at him for long moments, and Patrick began to worry that they were going to wrestle him to the ground. He could probably take Agustin, though he was wiry and tenacious, but there was no way he could take Dom.

'Good luck.' Dom said eventually, and Patrick let out the breath he'd been holding.

'Go get him, tiger.' Agustin joked feebly, the worry and concern clear on his face.

Patrick smiled with what felt like the first genuine sense of relief he'd had all day. He nodded at them, and ran out of the apartment to wait for the Uber car.

He wasn't going to think about Kevin on the ride there. That would just make him panic. Or sad. Especially if he thought about Kevin being heartbroken and alone all day. Fuck...that's what Kevin had meant when he'd told Patrick that he called Agustin to make sure he was alright. When he thought that Patrick was out there somewhere feeling all the pain of the night before. How could he have just left him without a note or anything? He really was a total shit.

But he wasn't going to dwell on his own bad behavior. That was done and in the past. He'd explained to Dom and Agustin what had driven him to Richie, and at some point he was going to have to do a better job at explaining it again to Kevin, but not tonight. No mention of Richie was going to be made tonight. Agustin had been very clear on how inappropriate he felt Patrick's decision had been to turn to Richie this morning, and though Patrick didn't fully agree...no one understood the complicated feelings Richie stirred up in him...he could see how it seemed to someone on the outside of their relationship.

Dom had been trying to comfort a clearly distraught Patrick, not wanting to cause him any more distress after Patrick had told them about Kevin's 'fucking other people' bombshell, but Agustin wouldn't let it go. He pushed Patrick to justify why Richie had seemed the natural choice of a friend this morning, and eventually Patrick had broken down and blurted out what seemed so very obvious in his head

'He's uncomplicated, alright?' Patrick had practically shouted at Agustin. 'He's straightforward. It's all simple,it's all black and white. There's no fucking grey with Richie, OK? There's right, and there's wrong, and he's not like you Agustin. Ok? He wouldn't have threesomes with his boyfriend and hire hookers, and he wouldn't think it's natural to cheat. And he's not like you Dom either! He doesn't fuck around with anything that moves, he wouldn't want open relationships...he's just a simple fucking guy who wants simple fucking things and what's so wrong with that? What's so wrong with being old-fashioned and just wanting to be with the person you're devoted to and love, and wanting to be everything to them? What's wrongwith WANTING THAT?'

And all the despair and all the anger and fear of the night before had come crashing down on him again and he'd felt his heart shrinking as he remembered standing with Kevin in the parking lot, telling Kevin that he'd always feel like he wasn't enough, and that he'd always mistrust Kevin from this moment on.

Agustin must have been worried at the fresh flood of tears because he'd immediately moved to comfort Patrick, and Dom, dear faithful, stoic Dom had tried to make sense of it again.

'There's nothing wrong with wanting that.' Dom had reassured Patrick. 'And you're right to let Kevin know. But...you said Kevin's OK with that, right, and that he said that he would do that for you? And...you said you trust him right? So...when you saw Richie, what did you want Richie to say? Did you want him to...like...give his blessing?'

Patrick had shaken his head wearily.

'I didn't even tell him about the fight. I just wanted to be with someone who I felt would understand me, who would be on my side.' Patrick said quietly. And that had bothered Agustin and got him riled up all over again.

'Jesus, Paddy, WE are on your side.' He'd exclaimed. 'But what the fuck did you think Kevin would do once he found out that you left him sleeping and went to see your saintly ex-boyfriend? How would you feel if you woke up and found out he'd gone to hang out with Jon.'

'Well, I think that's a little different...' Dom had tried to interrupt, ever the peace-maker.

'I know it's different but it's also the same, right?' Agustin kept on, ignoring Dom's attempt to divert them off this subject. 'You both left your boyfriends to be with each other, so don't you kind of have to REALLY leave them and not keep bringing them back into your lives?' Agustin asked intently.

'Richie is my FRIEND!' Patrick tried once more. But Agustin was not convinced.

'I don't think you can call him your friend and then compare your boyfriend to him Paddy. I don't think that's how it works. I don't think you'd say 'I love Kevin, but...Dom is a really good guy', would you?' Agustin said simply.

'Paddy?' Dom tentatively broke the awkward silence. 'Do you see what Agustin is saying?'

And Patrick sort of did. Saw how it looked like from the outside. How it must have looked to Kevin. And he was suddenly very very scared.

'Fuck.' Patrick whispered, looking dazedly at his two best friends. 'What have I done?'

Only a few minutes later, after Patrick had explained to them for what he hoped was the final time that he was no longer in love with Richie, Dom had come straight to the point.

'So...what now, Paddy?' He'd asked simply.

'Fuck me if I know.' Patrick had sighed, realizing that the hardest part of his relationship with Kevin was about to start. 'It's going to be complicated with Kevin, and we've both got baggage, and I feel like my head's going to explode at all the fucking grey areas that I'm going to be living with...but...I love him.' Patrick shrugged his shoulders, bemused, bewildered. It was so simple and yet so very very complicated. 'I don't want to be without him, and I don't know how to make him take me back, but I'm going to have to...try.' He ended, and they'd all sat there silently contemplating the mess Patrick was facing.

Eventually they'd rallied though. And that's when the beginnings of the half-assed plan had been made. It was all about laying himself at Kevin's mercy. Showing Kevin that Patrick was vulnerable to him, loved him, was willing to risk getting hurt and heart-broken, because Kevin was worth it. Showing Kevin he was ready to chase after him and wrestle him to the floor and make him take Patrick back because the alternative wasn't really an option.

And since Kevin was a competitive, game-loving freak, Patrick was going to challenge him to a contest. One Kevin had pretty much decided in his own head he'd already won, but which would hopefully give Patrick an opportunity to let Kevin see how invested in this relationship he was.

Because Kevin had a theory, one which admittedly may appear on the surface to have some truth to it, but it hadn't totally been proven yet, and Patrick hoped to be able to show him there were some basic fundamentals flaws in the theory. The theory that Patrick was always ready to walk away and was always looking for a chance to escape. The theory that Kevin always pushed and initiated and fought for them, while Patrick had one foot out of the door.

Patrick knew he had to prove to Kevin that he was committed. All the other stuff could wait. Had to wait. But to prove anything to Kevin that disagreed with his own point of view meant he had to overcome kevin's stubbornness. His belief that he was always right. Patrick sighed as he contemplated just how ridiculous the notion of challenging Kevin to a game was, but after almost two days of constant drama and tension and fear and distress, he didn't think either of them were going to be able to take too much more intensity.

Still, as Patrick walked up to the MDG roof top, his heart started hammering and he felt the instinct to abandon his silly plan and just prostrate himself at Kevin's feet and beg him to just rewind the clock and set them both back to Saturday morning so they could pretend none of this had ever happened. How perfect would that be?

Patrick walked out onto the roof and stopped dead as he saw Kevin sitting on their wall, watching him.

'Hello.' Patrick said quietly. Genius. What an opening.

'Hello.' Kevin replied, with what seemed to be a total lack of emotion. Shit. He'd had time to shore up his defenses. He was watching Patrick with what seemed like complete disinterest as he walked up and sat next to Kevin on the wall. Not close enough for them to be touching, but close enough that he could read Kevin's expression in the darkness of the night.

'Thanks for meeting me here.' Patrick tried to buy himself some time. 'I didn't know if we would be able to get up here at night on a weekend.'

'Perks of being the boss.' Kevin said simply.

'Right.' Patrick chuckled nervously.

Kevin turned his head away, looking out into the darkness surrounding them, and Patrick looked inside himself for the courage he needed to start the conversation he'd played over in his mind. Fuck it. If he waited for an encouraging opening from Kevin they'd never get started.

'Do you...' Patrick cleared his throat, hearing his voice come out tentative and anxious. 'Do you remember the first time you came up on the roof? The first time you found it?' He finally managed to make the opening gambit of his plan.

'I remember.' Kevin answered, with still no sign of encouragement.

'It was the day after...you know...Megan's wedding and...uhm...you...' Patrick tried to soldier on.

'Patrick, I said, I remember.' Kevin cut him off shortly.

'Ok, yeah.' Patrick felt chastened. Still, he couldn't let Kevin put him off like this. He knew Kevin would be hard to crack, but he also knew there must still be some really deep feelings left and he just had to rekindle them, make Kevin feel them, make Kevin want them...

'It, it was...just...it was I think, it was maybe one of those times that you...' Patrick attempted once more to engage him.

'That I what?' Now Kevin had turned to glare at him and Patrick knew he had touched a nerve. Good.

'I think it's one of the times that you count as chasing after me, right?' he blurted out quickly.

Kevin turned away from him again silently. But Patrick had a lot more to say and perversely Kevin's cold attitude made him suddenly feel just a little more confident that he was on the right track.

'It's just that if I could have us have this conversation somewhere else I would have loved to have it on that Naval Destroyer, but I don't think you could pull that off, right?' Patrick laughed nervously.

Now THAT obviously wasn't what Kevin was expecting. He turned and stared at Patrick, confused.

'What the fuck are you talking about?' Kevin asked, and for the first time there was a flicker of emotion coming through in his voice.

'No, it's just that, you said you were always chasing me and I just wanted to remind you that I was the one who chased you first, right? Remember? When I tried to hook up with you while sitting on that torpedo?' Patrick pressed on gamely, feeling more and more sure of himself.

Kevin just stared at him, but there seemed to be a growing awareness in him that Patrick was not here to rehash the conversation about the state of their relationship. And Kevin was, hopefully, begrudgingly intrigued.

'Right?' Patrick continued, taking advantage of Kevin's temporary surprise. 'So I've been counting and it's kind of like a game where I've been sort of...like...assigning points and stuff...cos...we both like games right? And we both like to win?'

'Are you serious?' Kevin asked, as Patrick paused to let his words sink in.

'Just hear me out, OK? You'll understand the game soon, and then we can just figure out who has the most points and who wins.' Patrick said patronizingly, knowing that would piss Kevin off and get him engaged like nothing else could.

'The most...points.' Kevin repeated flatly. But at least he was now fully turned towards Patrick and seemed to be hanging on every word he said. That was a huge improvement already.

'Yes!' Patrick exclaimed, as if Kevin was being aggravatingly slow. 'So the torpedo thing, that's got to be...like...at LEAST a 10, cos..I mean...come on. That was a total epic pass. I asked my fricking boss out while straddling a torpedo! Who does that...right?' Patrick laughed, and it only sounded a very tiny bit nervous.

'Points, Patrick?' Kevin wouldn't let that bit go. But Patrick just ignored him.

'So I have 10, and then you get 5 for the wedding, cos everybody does stupid stuff at a wedding so it's not...particularly original. Right?' Patrick forged on.

'Patrick...' Kevin sighed weakly, and suddenly he clamped his jaw shut as if he had to physically stop himself from saying anything more, as if he was willing himself not to give in, and all the hurt he felt was just written so clearly in his eyes... and just like that, Patrick lost his will to continue the silly game. It was just supposed to be something to get them talking and remembering happier times, and specifically times where Patrick had shown that he was just as much into them happening as Kevin had ever been. But he couldn't keep joking and teasing in the face of Kevin's overwhelming sadness.

'No listen...just...I'm not making fun, or making a joke, or pretending it's not important...' Patrick said urgently, closing the distance between them on the wall just a tiny bit. Wanting to feel Kevin's presence and wanting Kevin to feel his.

'I just want you to know that...that...I listened to what you said. Ok. I listened to every word and I've really been thinking about it, about everything, and I want you to know that the only reason I didn't chase you or beg you was that you weren't...available.' Patrick had paused as he searched for the right word. And still Kevin said nothing. Just looked at him. So Patrick went on. 'But I still wanted to. I still wanted to be with you, and I spent my weekends here at work with you, and it's not as if I even tried to stop you in the office that night, right?' Patrick willed Kevin to remember. 'And yes, you had to make the moves, but, you were with Jon and I really, REALLY wished from that very first moment I saw you on that boat, that you weren't and that you could be with me instead.' He finished, and he prayed to whatever god might happen to be listening that Kevin understood what he was trying to do. And that it would be enough to get Kevin to rethink his theory. The theory that really could kill their relationship dead if Kevin wouldn't let himself doubt it.

'Patrick...' Kevin sighed heavily. 'It's not just about that.'

'I know. I know.' Patrick jumped in quickly. He didn't want them to go there. Nothing good lay in going there tonight. 'There's a whole lot of stuff that we have to clear up, but it's a start right?' Patrick asked hopefully. 'And...to me it's really important because...it sounded like you just didn't believe I love you, and that...well that fucking breaks my heart Kevin. Because I do.' Patrick said as intently, as earnestly as he possibly could. 'I really love you. And I want you to know that.' He emphasized, willing Kevin to believe him.

Kevin looked away and bit his lip as tears start to form in his eyes. Patrick wanted to reach out and take him in his arms at the sight of those tears, but...he hadn't been invited...yet. Eventually Kevin shook his head, and Patrick prepared himself.

'Patrick...'

'No, don't say anything now ok. It's my turn to talk, and you have to just listen for a moment. Ok?' Patrick interrupted Kevin. This was not the time for logic and reasoning. This was the time for instinct and all of his were telling him to just steamroll the fuck right over any and all sensible objections Kevin might have.

Kevin nodded his head, a little take aback at Patrick's take-charge attitude. He was probably expecting a more tearful and shaken Patrick. Who could blame him. But that's not the Patrick that had shown up tonight, thank God.

'I think we both said some really...fuck...some really hurtful things, and we both pulled away, but...I'm not giving up, OK?' Patrick laid his cards on the table. 'I know right now you think you want me to leave, but I'm not going to.' He stated simply. Kevin still hadn't turned to look at him, but he also hadn't moved away or stormed off. That was a good sign, so Patrick continued. 'I'm not moving my stuff out. I'm not taking my toothbrush back...tonight I'm going to stay at Agustin's place, and tomorrow we can have our first proper moving in day. Ok?' And having used his most 'don't fuck with me' tone, Patrick reached out to take Kevin's hand, and, hallelujah, Kevin let him.

'Ok?' Patrick pushed insistently 'Kevin?' Patrick waited a moment. 'Hey, you can talk now...if you have anything... to say.'

Kevin still stared ahead, but his hand lay in Patrick's, and Patrick squeezed it gently. That seemed to spark something in Kevin finally.

'I'm not sure I can hold it together for you and me both, this time, Patrick.' Kevin murmured, and Patrick had to strain to hear his quiet voice. He still sounded heart-broken, but at least he was talking. And the hand-holding...well Patrick was taking that as the most positive sign of the night. Even if the words Kevin was saying were less than encouraging. 'If you...if you go off on a freak out, I'm just not in a place where I can handle that right now. I feel like I've lost everything and I feel like I've just been gutted and I feel hollow and I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind...' Kevin continued, and Patrick had to steel himself from losing his own shit as he heard Kevin confess to the most deep and horrible of suffering. But this wasn't the time for weakness. This is where he had to prove himself to Kevin.

'Shhhh...shhhh.' Patrick said soothingly, and finally allowed himself to take hold of Kevin's shoulders and turn him so they were facing each other. 'Listen to me.' Patrick said, the resolve and certainty clear in his tone. 'You don't have to handle anything, OK?' Patrick shook Kevin lightly as Kevin looked down at the wall between them. 'Look at me.' He ordered Kevin. 'I'm totally bad-ass right now. I'm fucking superman. I can do it for both of us, I swear. If it's your turn to freak out, I'll be the one holding us together. OK?' Patrick pressed. Kevin was looking at him as he'd been ordered to, and the struggle to stop himself from believing Patrick and hoping it could be true was so clear in his eyes. Patrick had to press his advantage. 'Kevin...just say OK.' He told him.

'Maybe it's just too fast...' Kevin tried once again to bring logic into the conversation. No fucking way.

'Compared to what?' Patrick broke in quickly.

'What do you mean?' Kevin asked, confused.

'Too fast compared to what? To whom?' Patrick asked matter-of-factly. 'It's not like we've done anything else the normal way, right?' He smiled at Kevin. A genuine smile. One of the first he'd had in two fucking days. 'I mean, how long have we even been in this relationship? Do we count the time from when I first asked you out, or from when we first kissed, or when we first fell in love?' God...how bittersweet those days were. 'I don't even know when that was for you but for me, I think I knew the day you danced for me. Remember that?' Patrick asked. And miracle of miracles...Kevin laughed. A little weakly, but it was a real laugh.

'Jesus.' Kevin rolled his eyes. 'You were so fucking freaked out, I should have known then how much hard work you'd be.'

'You love it, you liar.' Patrick laughed, leaning towards Kevin as Kevin gravitated towards him too. 'You love telling me to calm down, to stop talking, to stop freaking out...'

They smiled at each other, lost in memories of their crazy little love story. Then Kevin turned serious.

'We've got a lot of stuff to work out Patrick.' He said solemnly.

'I know.' Patrick replied quietly, putting his hand up to stroke Kevin's head. God, it felt so fucking good to be able to touch him again. He ran his hand down Kevin's arm and rubbed his fingers over Kevin's clenched fist. Ok. He would address the elephant in the room briefly, but he wan't going to let them wallow. 'There's a list in my head of a whole bunch of topics that we have to talk about, and we will, but you know what? Tonight? No more talking.' Patrick stated simply, leaving no room for argument. 'I'm exhausted and I'm going to crash at Agustin's.'

And again, not leaving Kevin any opportunity to disagree or discuss, he told Kevin exactly what was going to happen next. 'And tomorrow morning you'll call MDG and tell them the boss and his boyfriend are taking a couple of days off, and you can cook me a crazy breakfast to start the day when I come over in the morning, and then I'll cook you dinner in our kitchen, I'll make you my Mac n cheese that you love, and then we can just...be together...in our home, and we can do...whatever we want. You just have to say...OK.'

Patrick waited breathlessly for Kevin's response, though he could see from the softening in his eyes and the small smile that had started forming again on those lips that he wanted to kiss and bite and feast on, that Kevin was pretty much on board. Still...it would be nice to hear him say it.

Kevin leaned in to touch his forehead against Patrick's, and Patrick felt a beautiful moment of peace.

'OK.' Kevin whispered.

Patrick sighed deeply, and then decided he needed to push it just a little bit further. He was probably asking for too much but...

'Can I ask one more thing?' He murmured tentatively.

'You can ask anything you want.' Kevin said, with just a hint of bewildered resignation in his voice. That made Patrick smile again.

'Can I kiss you?' He asked Kevin quietly. 'I really want to kiss you.' He added, as if by explanation.

Kevin smiled and blinked back fresh tears. Fuck. How could he be breaking Patrick's heart and making his cock hard at the same time?

'It would be my total fucking pleasure, Patrick Murray, if you were to kiss the fucking shit out of me.' Kevin answered, without the hint of a laugh.

Patrick leaned in to kiss Kevin but stopped an inch away. Kevin's eyes widened as he waited for whatever sweet and tender thing he thought Patrick had to say.

'You know this gets me at least 1000 points, right? I might even be ahead right now...' Patrick whispered lovingly, and Kevin laughed.

So Patrick shut him up by kissing him. And the wonder that was kissing Kevin almost overwhelmed him, but he wouldn't let it. He didn't want to miss a minute of this. Their second re-union kiss. Soft, gentle, tentative to start with. Simple nibbling kisses, just the lightest of touches of lips on lips. A way to remember the delicious taste, the scent that was the essence of Kevin...and then a few bites. Still gentle, because they were both bruised and Patrick wanted to handle him with care, but it was getting harder to remember to do that. Because Kevin was licking at Patrick's lips with his tongue, and Patrick always felt that was really HIS thing and Kevin shouldn't be allowed to appropriate that move, so Patrick gave up on the gentle handling, and kissed the shit out of Kevin the way he wanted to. And with his tongue in Kevin's mouth, feeding off his lips, licking inside and lapping up all the taste that was Kevin, and with his hands gripping Kevin's head to keep it angled the way he wanted it, Patrick felt that all was right with the world at this exact minute.

And tomorrow they got to start all over again. Thank. Fucking. God.


	3. Do-over

Kevin leaned his head forward against the cold glass of the bedroom window. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to get his hammering heart back under some control. Fuck. He didn't want to be a nervous wreck when Patrick arrived. They couldn't both be jittery and wound up, and despite Patrick's words of last night, Kevin wasn't quite ready to believe that Patrick Murray would turn up at the front door this morning with anything less than a medium to full on freak out churning inside him. Which really wasn't fair. He was asking Patrick to trust him and believe in the words he said. Shouldn't he return the favor and trust Patrick? Trust that he really could be strong for them? It had to be a decision. It was something you chose to do. To believe in what someone was telling you. So...he would make the choice to believe Patrick.

Shit. This was either the dumbest or the smartest idea in the world, but given his apparent inability to deny Patrick anything he set his mind on, he'd had little choice but to just give in to Patrick and let him decide what the next move for them was going to be. So much for his whole self-preservation thing. One day away from Patrick, less than twelve hours of contemplating what life was going to be like without him, one admittedly romantic and seemingly heart-felt plea...and he was putty in Patrick's hands. This did not bode well for his future.

But...fuck it. He wanted to be with Patrick. He wanted them to grow old together. He was ready to commit himself to Patrick the way Patrick imagined couples should be. Monogamous, devoted...all that stuff that was important to him...he'd do it all for Patrick and he'd tried to tell him that up on the roof that night, when Patrick had broken his heart. And nothing had changed in the hours since then in the way he felt so...Patrick was right. They had to try this again. They had to give each other a chance to explain themselves properly, they had to discuss this stuff, they had to come to a common understanding...but first, they had to just fucking BE together and remember why they had to do all this difficult crap in the first place. Because it was worth it to get to spend every day with each other. To get to wake up together, and watch TV together, and argue about stupid stuff like peanut butter together and shower together and of course sleep together. Or rather, not sleep.

He probably shouldn't let his mind go there. Not now while he was waiting for Patrick to show up. It was most likely asking too much for them to have sex any time soon. Not until some of the more fundamental issues had been discussed and ironed out. But...on the other hand...

Sex was a really excellent way to get rid of any residual tension they might be feeling. And it had been almost 48 hours since they'd fucked, and that was a really long time for the two of them since that night on the stoop, so, maybe it wasn't the worst idea to jump on Patrick as soon as he got here. That actually sounded like a very good plan. Oh god. Just the thought of being able to get his hands on Patrick's body again, to get Patrick's mouth on his, to get to lick and bite that super-sensitive spot on Patrick's neck that made him dick get hard in seconds, to clutch his fingers in Patrick's soft hair...

Crap. That was a good way to make him lose his boner. Kevin pulled back from the window and walked purposely to the kitchen. He wasn't going to dwell on that stupid haircut. Well, at least not on how the haircut had come about. Patrick would hopefully be able to explain to him what on earth had made him think it was okay to run to Richie yesterday morning, but until that happened, and frankly, even if never made any sense, Kevin was NOT going to get stuck in a dark place thinking about it. Instead, he was going to concentrate on the fact that the haircut actually looked a little hot. A little edgy. Different. And he'd just have to find other body parts to grip onto while they were fucking. Patrick's ears didn't stick out as much as his did, but he could still use them to guide Patrick's head where he wanted it to go rather than pulling on his hair as he used to. It might give Patrick a new appreciation for Kevin's own jug-handles and remind Patrick to be a little more gentle when he held on to them as he was fucking Kevin's mouth. Not that Kevin really ever noticed the rough handling when he got to blow Patrick. He'd only started paying attention after Patrick told Kevin that Agustin had joked about Patrick doing that very thing the first time Patrick had shown him Kevin's wikipedia page. Kevin smiled at the memory. Remembering what it felt like to know that Patrick had gone home and obsessed about him after that first day at work, and talked to Agustin about his cunt of a boss that made him feel like an asshole. God. From the very first moment they'd met nothing had ever been simple between the two of them. And that's what Patrick had meant yesterday, on the roof of the MDG offices. Patrick had been the first one to put himself out there, and had been slapped down hard for doing so. He'd had to make himself not want Kevin, had to make himself stop imagining a life for them because he wasn't going to pursue a happily partnered man and deliberately break up a couple. But he had wanted Kevin, and he loved Kevin. He seemed very keen to make Kevin believe that last night, and while it was easy to do so when Patrick was holding him and kissing him and softly ordering Kevin to give him another chance, it was just a little harder to keep the faith in the bright light of the morning. Harder, but not impossible. And anyway, it was a done deal. Patrick wanted them to try again, and what Patrick wanted, Patrick got.

Pacing around the kitchen wasn't proving particularly effective at ratcheting down the anxiety levels. If he had some food to cook or something, he might be able to keep his mind from veering between the two extremes in his head. Sex with Patrick on the one side, which made him feel horny and the good type of restless. Talking with Patrick on the other, which made him feel wobbly and fragile and the bad type of restless. Either way, he was restless. And operating on about four hours of sleep.

Fuck it. If Kevin was feeling like this, Patrick must be bouncing off walls by now. He'd probably worked himself up into a complete nervous wreck at the thought of having to come back into this building. At the thought of repeating Saturday morning all over again. Yeah. That was a bad idea. Nothing about this morning should be the same as two days ago. Except for the good bit. The sex bit. That bit certainly bore repeating. But the rest? No fucking way.

Kevin shook his head as he grabbed the two fobs and his key off the kitchen counter and headed out of the apartment. What had he been thinking? He could change this day. It wasn't that complicated. Patrick wanted a fresh start, so he'd give him a fresh start. He'd give him anything he wanted.

A very very long half hour later, Kevin was finally rewarded with the sight of a happy, grinning Patrick, walking towards him, his cheeks red from the cold San Fransisco morning, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his eyes crinkled with smiling pleasure.

'You waited outside? It's so cold!' Patrick laughed, stopping only inches away from Kevin. Kevin's own smile grew broad as he saw Patrick's delight.

'I wanted to give you this.' He said simply, and taking Patrick's hand, dropped the fob into it. He didn't want Patrick to ever have to wait for anyone to let him into his own home again.

'Oh my god!' Patrick exclaimed. 'No fucking way? My own fob?' He laughed delightedly. 'How did you DO that?'

Kevin grinned and rolled his eyes, a little embarrassed at how silly and sentimental this would seem, but it had been really important to him from the moment he'd woken up, well before dawn, and he'd waited impatiently before it was a reasonable hour to track the super down and hover over him until his goal had been accomplished. 'I tipped heavily to get maintenance off their arses and program one for me this morning.' He admitted gruffly. But he was well rewarded. Patrick seemed enchanted.

'You're amazing! This is the best present ever!' Patrick gushed.

'Patrick, it's a fucking key to a building.' Kevin pretended to be exasperated with Patrick's silliness. 'Get over it and use the damn thing so we can get inside. I'm freezing my bollocks off out here.'

Patrick was so on to him.

'Ok, ok.' Patrick soothed him. 'But it's so sweet!' He just couldn't stop himself from adding, knowing full well it just added to Kevin's embarrassment. Sweet. Just what every guy loved to be called. But Patrick took the sting out of the words by leaning in to kiss him gently. And of course, then kissing him less gently and more purposefully, and soon Patrick got his tongue into Kevin's mouth and was rubbing up against him, and though this was San Francisco, Kevin felt it was better to take this inside than to give everyone a show right on the sidewalk. So Kevin pushed Patrick away and waited as Patrick opened the door with a big theatrical flourish, and then waited again while Patrick grandly used his fob to pick their floor in the elevator. Kevin found it hard to determine which one of them was the bigger idiot. Patrick for being so happy and giggly over a fob, or Kevin for being all secretly moony eyed over Patrick for being so easily pleased.

'I feel so powerful and masterly, with my own fabulous fob that can control the magical elevator!' Patrick continued to rhapsodize. And then, he leaned into Kevin, his grin fading to a sly smile. 'Can we make out in here or do they have cameras?' He asked softly in Kevin's ear. Kevin shivered in anticipation as he felt Patrick's warm breath against his skin.

Kevin was about to let himself get caught up in the heat he saw in Patrick's eyes, mesmerized by the way Patrick was chewing on his bottom lip...but some still sane part of him remembered in time. 'Cameras.' He stated hoarsely, pointing to the camera in the corner.

'Oh god!' Patrick grimaced, and Kevin winced as he realized where Patrick's head would go. 'Do you think anyone was listening to us Saturday night while we were in here?'

Kevin arched an eyebrow ruefully and shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. But really, the thought of being overheard was actually very disturbing. To have someone listening to them while they lived through the most painful and raw moments of their lives...well, that was just...horrible. But, he wasn't going to add to Patrick's list of reasons to hate this building.

'Relax.' Kevin said calmly. 'I'm sure they've seen and heard worse.'

Patrick raised his eyebrows at Kevin, mimicking his earlier gesture.

'Worse than that?' he laughed wryly, and Kevin felt some of his tension begin to dissipate. Patrick was handling this better than he was. Which was...revelatory.

Kevin smiled and Patrick smiled back.

'You see?' Patrick said sweetly, as he tenderly laid a hand on Kevin's cheek. 'One day later and we can already laugh at it! We're sooooo fucking amazing.' He sighed dreamily, and Kevin laughed again. They were at their floor, so he pushed Patrick out of the elevator doors, shaking his head, almost giddy with how good it felt to be laughing again with Patrick.

'Let's not push our luck Patrick.' Kevin finally rolled his eyes at him. 'You know the saying about counting chickens before they're hatched.'

'Nope.' Patrick declared as he walked down the hallway, grinning at Kevin. 'I am NOT going to let you spoil this moment, grouchy. I am feeling pretty good right now, and all I need is a ridiculous English breakfast, and I'm ready to unpack.' He stated.

Oh shit. Breakfast. Kevin sighed.

'Well then get ready to be disappointed because all there is is coffee, juice and toast.'

'What?' Patrick asked, genuinely astonished. Patrick and food. Maybe Kevin should have re-thought his priorities this morning.

'I had to log into work to clear my calendar,' he began to explain. 'I had to get the fucking fob, I had to...'

'Ok Ok...I get it. You were busy.' Patrick said soothingly. Wow. He must really be in love if he was overlooking the lack of food. 'You're forgiven cos I have my lovely new fob.' Patrick continued. 'Oh...but...what about a key to the front door?' he exclaimed as they came to a stop outside the door to their apartment. Another errand Kevin hadn't been able to get to this morning.

Kevin leaned forward to kiss Patrick gently.

'We'll go out and get one made together. Alright?' he asked quietly, smiling at the thought of them shopping for keys.

'Ok.' Patrick nodded agreeably. And he must have been thinking along the same happy lines as Kevin because he smiled back as he continued, 'It can be our first errand of domesticity. And we can pick up some groceries too so I can cook for you tonight, and you can make me breakfast tomorrow.'

Kevin's smile faded as he stared at Patrick, knowing all he had to do was unlock the door and walk in. But he was suddenly scared again. Patrick hadn't been back inside, and he was so fucking scared that one look at the place would send Patrick right back to that nightmare place they'd been in since that whole stupid Grindr thing began. Had he done enough to change the day? Was it different enough yet? He scanned Patrick's face, looking for the signs he'd come to know so well. The rapid blinking, the forced smile, the rising eyebrows...anything that showed him that Patrick was on the verge of losing it. But...he seemed, steady. Purposeful. As if he really believed they could do this. And that gave Kevin the first moment of peace he'd felt in what seemed like decades. Was it really only two days ago they'd tried this before? And failed. So very very badly.

He couldn't take it again.

Kevin raised his hand to cup Patrick's neck. He wanted to be connected, to feel that this was real, possible. He needed to hear words. Patrick loved words and now Kevin needed them. Words of re-assurance, of hope. Words to make him believe that he wasn't a fool for believing that they could make it work.

'Are you Ok?' Kevin whispered quietly as he dropped his forehead onto Patrick's.

Patrick pulled his head back and cupped Kevin's face with his hands. The look in Patrick's eyes...God. It wasn't possible to fake this sort of calmness was it? The longer Kevin stood there with Patrick's hands on his skin, Patrick's eyes boring into his, the more convinced Kevin was of how right this was. He'd told Patrick this could work. That it WAS working. It seemed that Patrick was ready to believe it. Thank fucking god.

'I am totally...' Patrick paused for a moment, his hands moving to caress Kevin's hair. 'completely...' He was killing Kevin with his intense look. Those fucking eyes of his. Patrick usually couldn't look at him for one second before his eyes roamed to Kevin's mouth, or to his neck, or to his ears...but now, he was laser focused on Kevin's eyes and it was fucking insane how both tender it made Kevin feel, and how totally fucking horny. '...Ok.' Patrick finally finished. Kevin realized he'd been holding his breath, and now, at last, he could just let it go. 'This is me, being happy, NOT freaking out.' Patrick continued, never letting his stare waver. 'Are YOU Ok?' he asked Kevin quietly.

Kevin sighed deeply. This really could work. The two of them, together.

'I'm so. Fucking. Glad. You're here.' Kevin said. And seeing Patrick's beautiful eyes fill with tears, Kevin knew he understood exactly how much he meant that.

Enough already. No more tears, no more fucking angst. There would be lots more of that in the days to come no doubt, but, now, right this minute, Kevin had a present to give Patrick. He smiled at Patrick, wiping his tears away, and kissed him gently, on the cheek. Patrick's sweet smile filled Kevin with such joy. Partly because he was obviously glad to see Patrick happy, but mostly because it meant that Patrick was in a sentimental frame of mind, and had no idea of the decidedly less sentimental and definitely more elemental mood that Kevin was now increasingly in. Fucking Patrick was always fun. Fucking an unsuspecting Patrick was glorious though.

'Come on.' Kevin said innocently, 'Let's go inside and start unpacking.'

Patrick walked inside and his steps faltered as he caught sight of all the stacked boxes. Kevin wasn't going to give him any time to think, though. A thinking Patrick was fun to seduce, but Kevin was too horny for that right now. He didn't want to waste the time getting Patrick out of a funk. He was on a fucking mission.

'Jesus.' Patrick grimaced as he looked around the living room. 'Why does it look like there are more boxes now than before! Were there really this many? This is going to take us weeks to sort out...'

'Well it can wait just a little bit longer before it gets sorted.' Kevin stated firmly, and took Patrick's hand to drag him into the bedroom. And there was the look Kevin loved. The growing realization, the blush, the excitement. Would he still be surprised at how much Kevin wanted to fuck him thirty years from now?

'Hmmm...I'm getting a strong feeling of déjà vu.' Patrick smiled as he let himself be pulled, not too reluctantly it seemed to Kevin, into the same spot they'd been in two days ago, right in front of the huge windows Patrick was so taken with.

'Nope, not the same at all.' Kevin shook his head as he started pulling of his t-shirt.

'Really? Because so far this feels pretty familiar...' Patrick grinned.

Why wasn't he undressing? He just seemed to be standing there staring at Kevin's body. Was Kevin going to have to do ALL the work? Not a problem.

Kevin grabbed Patrick and pushed him up against the window, stepping up close so Patrick could feel exactly how ready he was for this scene to play out. Patrick's eyes widened as he felt Kevin's hard cock grind up against him. Good. Kevin would give him a few moments to catch up because he was feeling generous, but there were limits to how long he was going to wait. He leaned forward, his mouth mere inches away from Patrick's.

'This time I get to fuck YOU against the WINDOW.' Kevin whispered against Patrick's lips.

And suddenly, Patrick was totally with the program. Kevin reached for the buttons to angle the blinds, while Patrick's hands got very very busy. Kevin's pants were the first item to go, and after a few delicious strokes of Patrick's fingers against his aching cock, Patrick deserted him to get rid of his own clothes. Kevin helped as much as he could, but he got distracted stroking each piece of newly revealed skin. God, he loved this man's skin. Fucking freckles and all. He was busy tracing them with his fingers as Patrick kicked off his shoes and pulled his own pants off, finally standing there naked, and thankfully, fully aroused. It was worth spending a few moments not fucking just to appreciate the way Patrick Murray looked. He was never going to get enough of the sight of this man, all his, fully available to him, hungry for him. His partner. For fucking life.

Patrick was now the one in a hurry, though. He grabbed Kevin's head and smashed his mouth against Kevin's. Oh yeah. A special Patrick kiss. Hot, wet, lots of luscious lips and a busy busy tongue, demanding Kevin open his mouth, demanding Kevin surrender to him totally. There was no point in fighting. This man was the fucking champion kisser.

Patrick pulled away just before Kevin was about to lose his control. Kevin was gratified to see that Patrick was also panting heavily and his eyes glazed with the same passion Kevin was feeling, because he sure as shit wasn't ready to wait any longer.

'This better live up to my fantasy...' Patrick growled warningly.

Kevin didn't waste another second. He spun Patrick around and plastered him up against the window. Kevin pulled back Patrick's head, mourning briefly the loss of all that beautiful hair he loved to grip, but knowing it would grow back. Hopefully really really fast. Kevin groped a hand around Patrick, squeezing it between Patrick's warm belly and the cold cold window, moving it down until he found Patrick's thick, hard cock. Patrick caught his breath as Kevin squeezed him tightly, beginning the slow teasing motion that he knew would drive his boy insane. He waited until Patrick's widened eyes slowly closed, and he saw Patrick's teeth bite down on that soft plump lower lip that he wanted to lick and suck on.

Kevin pushed his face into Patrick's neck and took a few delicious sips, inhaling his warm, musky scent. Pure, fuckable, Patrick.

Kevin smiled as he felt Patrick push his ass back into Kevin's groin, grinding, inviting...

'I wanna fuck you till your head explodes Patrick Murray' He whispered into Patrick's ear, taking a gentle nibble of the tender lobe. Patrick's erotic sigh, the way he stretched his head back, offering his neck up to Kevin's seeking mouth, the way he flattened his palms against the window, his fingers stretched wide as if he couldn't contain all the tension he felt within...well, Kevin was fucking done for.

This was Patrick's 'thing'. Kevin loved to fuck in different ways. Vanilla, kinky, fun, tender...but Patrick liked to fuck in public. His good sweet innocent lovely boy liked to get off where others could potentially see. In the woods. In the park. At the movie theatre...he got off on the rush of discovery. Kevin hadn't really felt it before, but now, knowing that anyone looking directly in would be able to make out Patrick's glorious ecstasy between the slats of the blinds, would be able to see that expression on his face of wonder and delight as he got closer and closer to coming, and would know that the man behind him, the man fucking him deep and steady was the man that put that look on his face, well...that was pretty fucking hot.

It took seconds for Kevin to grab the supplies from the corner table. Thank god they hadn't put that stuff away yet. He didn't want to lose contact with Patrick for a second. He pulled the condom onto himself, and he heard Patrick's breathing speed up as he anticipated what was to come. Ever so slowly, ever so carefully, Kevin pushed into Patrick, wanting this to be nothing but pure pleasure and ecstasy for his beautiful lover. As he began his slow, controlled push and pull, Kevin felt overwhelmed with tenderness, with gratitude towards Patrick. For taking a chance on him. For taking a leap of faith and deciding to trust him. For loving him enough to not give up on him. Kevin dropped his head on Patrick's shoulder as they fucked, his hands moving up to grab Patrick's, tangling their fingers against the window, squeezing and holding on tight. He was going to hold on for as long as he fucking could. A whole fucking lifetime.

And then suddenly the tenderness was replaced with a ferocious hunger. He was buried deep in Patrick, feeling him tight all around him, hearing all the sighs and moans Patrick was making as Patrick flattened himself against the glass, dropping his forehead on the window, their mingled gasps making circles of fog that Kevin was mesmerized by, their sweat dripping onto each other and making their bodies slippery, making the friction that much sweeter. Kevin licked Patrick's damp neck, loving the taste of his increasingly frantic lover. He bit down gently as he started pushing in harder, faster, and Patrick sighed long and deep. The race to the finish had begun, and Kevin no longer had any thoughts about who could see what, or whose idea this had been, or who was the giver and who the receiver of pleasure. He just wanted to come, and he wanted Patrick to come too. All over the window.

A quick check of Patrick's cock with his hand showed him that Patrick was close too. Fucking awesome. Because he wasn't going to last much longer. He stroked and squeezed Patrick, in time with his own increasingly desperate thrusts, and moments later he gasped as he emptied himself into the condom, pushed in so fucking deep that he felt like he was permanently fused to this man who he loved so very very much. And Patrick's cum, all over his hand, all over Patrick's belly, and all over the window...he fucking loved it. He wouldn't even mind the clean up. Though not yet. Not for a while. Recovery was going to take a little time.

Kevin pulled out of Patrick, turned him around, took him in his arms and stumbling the few steps to the bed, tumbled them both down onto the mattress, where they lay, entwined, breathing heavily.

Patrick nestled his head into Kevin's shoulder, Kevin moved his hand up to Patrick's head and stroked the shorn hair. He sighed as his breathing evened out. He hoped they could just stay here for the rest of the day. Not moving. Not even speaking. Just...being. Together.

'That's what I was talking about.' Patrick murmured into his neck. Kevin smiled. There wasn't much chance of Patrick being silent for long. That was okay too though. Everything was okay, as long as Patrick was here.

'I fucking love you' Kevin whispered, smiling.

'Me too.' Patrick dropped a little kiss on Kevin's chest. 'I love you fucking me.'

Kevin snorted.

'But you stole my fantasy. That doesn't seem quite fair.' Patrick continued, lazily, as he moved his hand down Kevin's body slowly, deliberately.

Kevin groaned, as he felt his poor body responding. God, this boy was fucking insatiable. Patrick laughed at Kevin's response and gave him a not-very-gentle pat on his valiantly struggling cock.

'Look, I know you're an old man now and certain things get harder...or less hard...to achieve, so just relax. All you have to do is stand there and look pretty for the neighbors. I'll do all the work.' Patrick said so very sweetly.

'Is that a challenge, Patrick Murray?' Kevin grinned, enjoying the sight of Patrick standing up from the bed and moving to the window to peer outside. Patrick looked back and him and raised an eyebrow.

'Would it help speed things along if I said it was?' He asked.

Kevin looked down at himself pensively, pretending to be deep in thought as he contemplated his body's response to a naked horny Patrick at the window.

'I think I can safely say I'm up for it.' Kevin looked back at Patrick.

'I guess then it's 'fuck you in the butt time', as you so eloquently put it.' Patrick held out a hand to Kevin.

That window was totally going to be worth it's weight in gold.


	4. Play Time

Patrick lay quietly, breathing slowly, deeply. Drugged by sex. Which was fucking awesome. Sex really was awesome. Having sex was fantastic. Thinking about the sex they had just had was amazing. Thinking about having more sex very soon was delicious. People should really have more sex and spend more time thinking about sex, Patrick decided sleepily. Those endorphins were just the absolute fucking best. Why they didn't to this all day Saturday?

Rather than talking. Not that talking was bad, but they had skipped all the honeymoon phase and waded into the darkest water possible. Sex wasn't a panacea, but it was important and it reminded them of an important part of them. That connection. That chemistry. And everything seemed easier to talk about after sex.

Not that he had any intention of doing any talking. He didn't want to bring anything back up again. He hadn't even been sure if Kevin would take him back yesterday, and he certainly didn't know what to expect when he got here, but he was determined to start off by setting the right tone. Kevin had implied that it was Patrick that pulled the strings, set the course, so...Patrick was going to believe him and take that responsibility seriously.

In all the scenarios he'd imagined for today, all the ways he'd thought of coaxing Kevin into a place of closeness and trust, he'd overlooked the fact that Kevin apparently found him irresistible and that he himself was a horny fuck, so as soon as one of them got that gleam in their eyes, it was pretty much game over.

Thank god for versatility. Was there really a time when he'd thought he didn't like getting fucked in the ass? Thank god those days were over. Patrick loved getting fucked, loved feeling Kevin sliding inside him, hitting that p-spot, filling him. And when that sensation was enhanced by having Kevin sliding his hands all over his own cock, stroking him, teasing him...well, it was fucking fantastic. Fantastic fucking. Patrick grinned against Kevin's chest.

Still, he'd been determined to reclaim his fantasy after Kevin had taken it over, and Kevin was so happy to oblige.

And though he was loving his new-found versatility, being inside Kevin was still up there as one of his very favorite ways to spend his time. It hadn't taken long to find exactly the right angle to push inside to drive Kevin insane and have him begging and pleading for release. Not that he really wanted it of course. Kevin wanted it prolonged. He always did. Patrick could tell because he would never reach for himself until he felt Patrick getting close to his own release. So even though he would gasp for Patrick to go faster, would groan for him to push in harder and deeper...he always kept his hands on Patrick or on the bed, or on the wall, or today, on the window, until he could tell Patrick was almost there, and THEN he would somehow time it perfectly so they came together. Pretty much every fucking time. Now THAT was skill. Of course Patrick only ever really appreciated that after the fact, because during the sex itself, the only thing he was concentrating on was the incredible tight heat of Kevin's perfect body. Was that selfish of him? Getting fucked he was always a lot more aware of Kevin's every move, every sigh...every drop of sweat, every clenching finger on his body or every kiss or bite on his skin. But when he was doing the fucking, when he was driving, his mind was too flooded with the sensations all around his cock and his own need to fill his senses with the scents and tastes and sounds the body he was pounding into offered him. Yeah. He was definitely a selfish prick. Thank god Kevin seemed to get off on that. Maybe he liked feeling someone was taking him for granted occasionally. Must make a nice change from always being in charge, always being the boss, always being deferred to...

Whatever. They'd each had two fricking awesome orgasms and that was not a bad start to the day.

And after the orgasms? Lying naked in bed, sprawled on top of Kevin in his familiar spot, his head fitting perfectly in that little curve between Kevin's collar bone and his neck, the smell of Kevin's fresh sex-sweat in his nose, Kevin's hand lazily stroking his head...fucking perfection. He could lie here all day, not speaking, barely conscious...

'I miss your hair.' Kevin broke the silence.

Post-orgasmic fog-brained Patrick really liked Kevin's sexy accent. Maybe he could get him to say some more of those ridiculously stupid words and phrases he seemed to think everyone should know. Like 'dual carriageway'. What the fuck was that again?

Kevin gently swatted his head. Oh yeah. He said something about hair. His hair. Missing his hair.

'I like it like this.' Patrick mumbled into Kevin's chest, resenting the effort it took to form words. 'It makes me look...edgy.'

'I didn't say I didn't like it. But you had beautiful hair and I miss it.'

Patrick smiled. Kevin sounded a little grumpy. He should probably rouse himself to placate his boyfriend. Picking his head up just enough to smatter little kisses across Kevin's yummy chest, he assured Kevin his hair would grow back. It grew so fucking quickly.

Kevin pulled Patrick's head up and looked him in the eyes.

'And I can't say I love the fact that every time I look at it I remember that it was Richie who had his hands all over your head yesterday morning.' Kevin said meaningfully. Then he sighed and ran his palm down the side of Patrick's face. 'But that's one of those ...'discussions'... for later, I guess.'

Patrick showed his appreciation for Kevin's forbearance, turning his head and kissing Kevin's palm tenderly. He dropped his head back down and squeezed himself back into Kevin's side. Time to change the subject.

'Do you think anyone could see us against the window earlier?' He mused. 'I know I should be embarrassed but I actually think it's kind of hot that people might have seen us. It was sooooo much better than my fantasy.'

'You are such a fucking mystery, Patrick Murray.' Kevin laughed, and Patrick breathed a sigh of relief. Not yet. No more crises yet. There was time enough for those. But not. Fucking. Yet. He'd be damned if he was going to let Kevin lie here and dwell on all the things that had gone wrong in the past forty eight hours. They could lie here and talk about sex, or they could get up and be productive, but they were not going to lie here and try to resolve anything today. It was still too raw. It needed at least one more day before he felt he could even begin to reasonably parse any of their 'conversations' and begin to make sense of them.

He stretched up to kiss Kevin's laughing mouth.

'Come on.' He whispered against Kevin's lips. 'We have to get working on those FUCKING boxes.'

Kevin groaned, and not in the 'ohmigodimgoingtocomeandiloveyou' way but more in the 'mylifeishellandyouretoblame' way.

'Can't we stay here for a little bit? Let's just take a nap.' Kevin pulled Patrick close to him, his arms tightening, his mouth doing a strange lip-quivering thing. Was he actually trying to pull of a charming pout? God, it was pathetic. And so not working.

Patrick pulled free from Kevin's grip and sat up.

'Nope.' He patted Kevin's abdomen, and then looked at his hand which was now covered in a rather sticky mixture of sweat and cum. Charming. 'Shower first,' he pointed meaningfully at both of their messy bodies, 'then I have to find my clothes because I've been wearing the same ones since yesterday morning, then we have unpacking, and errands,' Patrick continued...and since he'd already started he might as well tell Kevin the rest of the good news... 'and I want to get the place a little tidied up because Agustin said he wants to stop by after his shift at the shelter because he has a gift for our new place.'

And yes, he was definitely avoiding Kevin's eyes at this point. He'd been wondering how to work Agustin's scheduled visit into the conversation, and they still had plenty of hours to go, but it seemed like it was probably best to get it out there in the open sooner rather than later. Let Kevin work off any issues he may have about it before Agustin showed up. Because Agustin was definitely showing up. It had almost been a condition of Patrick's 'release'. Dom and Agustin were adamant that one of them was going to check in with them today and see how things were going. Who they were most worried about was anyone's guess, but they felt they had done more damage than good by staying out of the 'Patrick and Kevin story' to this point, and that their interference was now strictly warranted. Patrick had given in pretty quickly because, frankly, he wasn't sure they were wrong. Having friends who knew you and loved you have a window into your situation wasn't the worst thing. And it gave their day a focal point. A 'before' and an 'after'. And it might even motivate them to get out of bed and deal with the fucking boxes.

But Kevin had been quiet a bit too long. Patrick finally looked at him, trying to keep his expression bland and cheerful.

Kevin raised his eyebrows at Patrick, and Patrick blushed.

'Reinforcements?' Kevin asked simply.

Patrick snorted.

'Yeah right. For you, maybe.'

Kevin seemed confused. Hadn't Patrick told him about his friends' not-so-unique perspective and experiences with open and experimental relationships? Maybe that conversation hadn't happened yet. They'd been too busy fucking. and talking about themselves, and playing games, and watching TV and fucking, and fighting, and building apps...

'What's that supposed to mean?' Kevin interrupted Patrick's inner monologue.

'Nothing.' Patrick shook his head, smiling. 'Come on, lazy. Get up.'

'Are you saying Agustin...wait...I can't even begin to imagine a world where your friends actually LIKE me.' Kevin did that whole pretending-to-be-shocked act that he was so bad at. English people weren't good at even FAKING strong emotions.

'What do you mean?' Patrick laughed despite himself. 'You guys got on great when you were staying with us. You were always laughing together, usually at ME.' He reminded Kevin pointedly. 'Why would you think he doesn't like you?'

'I don't know...because...of the way we...started?' Kevin shrugged, and as easily as they were laughing minutes ago, now they were back to that weird tension of things they weren't supposed to say or talk about yet. 'Or because of Saturday night?' Kevin continued quietly. 'I'm sure you told him about it.'

Patrick thought for a moment that it might be easier to try and laugh this off, but they couldn't completely pretend nothing at all had happened. They might not be ready to deal with it, but that didn't mean they shouldn't acknowledge it. And frankly, the truth in this situation would probably be more reassuring to Kevin than he could imagine.

'I did actually.' Patrick admitted simply, and saw Kevin wince. Silly man. 'But you might be surprised to know that you and Agustin and even Dom are much more alike than you realize.' Patrick laughed wryly. 'They also always think I am naive and idealistic and a silly romantic...'

'Patrick, I DON'T think that...'

'No it's OK.' Patrick smiled at Kevin. They were NOT going there. 'I'm just saying, they're not judgy or prudish...they really just want me to be happy, and after yesterday when I talked to them...well...they know that...you...that being WITH you...makes me happy.' Patrick tried to explain. And it sounded clumsy, and it sounded a little silly, and Patrick himself was a little bemused to hear it said so simply, but it was the truth.

And Kevin seemed to like hearing that, if his rather smug, broad smile was anything to go by.

'I like that answer. That is a good fucking answer. Come back to bed.' Kevin sat up and tried to reach for Patrick. But Patrick was too quick.

'Kevin, we have WORK to do.' He insisted firmly. He was up, he was sticky, he wanted fresh clothes, and they had a shit-load of boxes to unpack. Not that he wasn't open to persuasion if Kevin wanted to push the issue a little further...

Kevin collapsed back on the bed.

'There must be someone in America I can pay to just come and empty all these FUCKING BOXES!'

Ahhhh. There was his adorable little capitalist. The American Dream was explicitly created for Kevin to realize. He so loved throwing money at his problems. Cleaning ladies, laundry deliveries, Ubers, fancy realtors, bribes to building maintenance...Sure, sometimes it was a good solution. But not this time.

'No fucking way!' Patrick enunciated clearly. 'I want us to choose what goes where, and to fight about whose stuff goes on the walls, and whose books go on bookshelves. That's what making a home is.'

'Great.' Kevin mumbled, staring up at the ceiling. 'More things to fight about.'

'Why so negative Kevin Matheson?' Patrick asked sweetly, enjoying the sight of a fully naked, and if he wasn't mistaken, partially aroused Kevin, sprawled on the bed, looking a little miserable.

Patrick watched, fascinated, as a slow smile spread across Kevin's face, and he turned his head to look at Patrick

'I've got a better idea.'

'No more sex now.' Patrick shut him down. 'I told you.'

Kevin snorted.

'Right...as if I couldn't get you on your back begging for it in two minutes flat.'

'Hey!' Patrick protested. A little too much maybe?

'No, I mean why don't we finish that little game you started last night, and whoever is the winner gets to make all the choices today?'

Patrick stared at Kevin. What the fuck was he talking about? Patrick had thought he wanted to have more sex, which he was going to pretend to fight about for just a minute longer before he gave in graciously, but Kevin was talking about...his fricking game? Patrick's game?

'The game?' Patrick needed to make sure he'd understood. 'The points game?'

'Yep.'

'Are you serious?' Patrick persisted. 'You want to play the points game?'

'Yes.' Kevin nodded, hauling himself up to a seating position. 'I already started it. Get my laptop and I'll show you.'

Patrick waited for a few moments. Staring at Kevin

'Are you insane?'

Kevin shrugged seemingly unconcerned at Patrick's growing wonder.

'You know I love games.' He said, apparently by way of explanation. 'And as you said, we both love to win, so let's see who wins, right?'

'Oh my god.' Patrick groaned. 'You are...SUCH...a geek.'

'Just get the laptop, would you?'

Patrick moved to the table in the corner to snag the laptop, shaking his head. He stared at Kevin's happy, smug, grin as he handed it to him, and sat back on the bed, cautiously.

'I don't get it.' Patrick said as he watched Kevin log in and get the stupid thing running. 'How can you start the game, when it's MY game, and you don't even know the point system?'

Kevin didn't even look up at him as he tapped away. '10 for the torpedo, 5 for the wedding. I just took those as the reference points.' he replied, fully in computer programming mode.

'But...it's my game.' Patrick blurted out, almost on the verge of being genuinely frustrated. Almost. But mostly just secretly, pathetically charmed by Kevin's inability to let a challenge go. 'You don't even know the rules!' he whined, just for effect.

'I think I caught on pretty quick, Patrick.' Kevin bristled, as if his manhood had been questioned. 'Anyway, that's why I'm the boss. You have an idea, and I get to take the credit, right?'

Kevin turned the laptop towards Patrick, showing him a brightly colored, fucking elaborate spreadsheet. 'You're the red column, and I'm the blue.'

Patrick stared back at Kevin's expectant face. Moments later he just had to ask.

'Are we seriously doing this? Did I move in with a teenager?'

Kevin smiled condescendingly, knowingly. 'If you're scared you're going to lose...'

'Fuck.' Patrick finally let himself laugh. Apparently this was really going to happen. He'd created a monster and now Kevin had tamed it and made it his bitch. There was nothing to do but play, and hope to god he actually could muster enough points to make even a slightly decent showing. 'Let's do this.' He shrugged.

Naked, sitting on the bed, arguing about the different weighting that should be given to words versus actions, to intent versus effect, the next hour passed by in a blur, and when it was finally, unanimously agreed upon that Kevin was in fact the supreme and most worthy winner, the first order Kevin got to give was one that Patrick could totally get behind. With some negotiation. He wasn't going to blow Kevin with dried condom-tasting cum all over his dick, but if the order could be carried out in the shower, Patrick was ready to obey. Kevin was gracious enough to agree, and then was apparently appreciative enough of the dedication and effort Patrick put into his forfeit that he returned the favor.

One very satisfying orgasm later for each of them, they were finally ready to start working on the boxes. Kevin's only stipulation, as winner of course, was that Patrick had to be naked. Patrick cursed the day he thought of the stupid fucking game. Until Kevin pulled him down on the floor of the still-empty living room and fucked him again.

And then, as they lay there, panting heavily, sweaty and covered in cum again, they both agreed that Patrick's game was absolutely the best thing he'd ever thought of and he was amazingly smart and clever. And Kevin told him he loved him. Which won him more fucking points!


	5. Nightmares

Kevin propped his head up on his hand, watching Patrick as he lay gently snoring, his body sprawled in abandon as he slept the sleep of the well and truly shagged out. Kevin himself had thought he wouldn't wake for hours as he finally dozed off to Patrick's half-mumbled ramblings. Something about breakfast, then possibly something about Owen, definitely something about unpacking...and Kevin was out.

Kevin had woken up suddenly and fully just two hours later, his heart pounding and his body on full alert, and only when he tried to sit up to confront the danger he'd felt in his nightmare did he realize that Patrick was there, half lying on him, his face tucked into Kevin's neck, his leg tangled between Kevin's, one arm resting almost proprietarily on Kevin's rather sore willy, the other somewhat uncomfortably wedged between their two bodies. Kevin's tense body had relaxed slowly as his brain caught up with reality. Patrick was here, in their bed, asleep. Kevin wasn't chasing him through some dark garage, never able to catch up, always coming up against locked doors...

Fuck. His subconscious wasn't very subtle. It also needed to let it the fuck go. There'd be enough soul searching and rehashing while they were awake. He didn't need to relive the whole thing every night in his sleep too.

Suddenly restless, Kevin gently moved Patrick off him, making sure not to disturb the sleeping beauty which would result in him having to pretend to listen to his incoherent chatter all over again as Patrick talked himself back to sleep, and he got up. Might as well get a drink of water, or maybe something a little stronger, before attempting to fall asleep again. Walking through the dark, silent living room, Kevin saw signs of the progress they'd made through the day of getting all their stuff out of boxes and into piles of things that would eventually go on or into furniture that wasn't there yet. Shit. They still had so much work to do before this place resembled a home. But still, the first steps had been taken. They really had moved in together. Beyond all expectations, it had actually, finally, fucking, happened. Patrick's stuff was all over the place. Signs of him nesting were everywhere. That was a really good sign, right? Un-packing was the actions of a man who was committed, and determined to stay. Right? Patrick had certainly seemed happy with the outcome of all their hard work, and was in his giddy, cheerful mood as they tidied up the last of the loose ends for the day before Agustin was scheduled to arrive.

'I think we did a pretty good job, right?' Patrick had asked, smiling, satisfied.

'I am...fucking...exhausted!'

'I know.' Patrick grimaced, and then in an apologetic tone, had continued sheepishly, 'I don't think I can cook tonight. Do you mind if we get takeout?' Of course food was almost uppermost in Patrick's mind. 'How do people even get takeout in this building? Do you have to go down and meet them in the lobby? This fucking fob system. Really? Is there THAT much crime in San Francisco that we need to live in fucking Fort Knox?' he continued, his mouth as always just blurting out his stream of consciousness. Fucking adorable.

'Calm down Patrick.' Kevin laughed. 'You go down and get Agustin, and I'll go down and get the take out. See? We take turns. Compromise.'

'Shut up.'

'Or maybe I should just make you do both trips since I am the big decision maker of the day.' Kevin pondered thoughtfully.

'I still don't see how you can award yourself 10,000 points for standing on my stoop that night.' Patrick grumbled. 'I'll never fucking catch up.'

Kevin patted Patrick on the shoulder condescendingly as he passed him by to add an empty box to the ridiculously huge pile by the door.

'That's all right babe. I'll go easy on the romance for the next few years. Give you a chance to come up with the most awesome, most epic gesture to top it.'

'You are such an ass.' Patrick shook his head wearily. 'And also...you are NOT a gracious winner. I knew you were competitive, but Jesus, Kevin...gloat much?'

'Would you like some cheese with that whine, Patrick Murray?'

That seemed to be some sort of final straw for poor Patrick, as he dropped his face in his hands and whispered dramatically,

'Oh god. I moved in with my mother.'

Kevin decided to give Patrick a little break, and turned the subject back to his boyfriend's second favorite pastime. 'What shall we order for dinner? Does KFC deliver? I feel like having something greasy and fried. I'm so fucking hungry and tired! I am NEVER moving again.'

'Kevin, say it isn't so! What about our cute little cottage with the porch where we sit together like two miserable...'

'Sorry, Patrick. This is it. This is where we grow old and miserable and die.' Kevin stated strongly, only half joking. The very thought of going through this again made him shudder. He'd moved almost constantly since leaving college, and the idea that he'd finally found a home that might actually be permanent was so fucking appealing.

'You mean I can't persuade my beautiful, manly, rich boyfriend to buy me a little house on the river someday?' Patrick pouted prettily, batting his eyelashes slowly. Idiot. 'No? What's the use of dating the boss if I don't get to spend all his money? You should have seen Lyn's place on the Russian River!'

'Don't remember being invited to the house.' Kevin reminded Patrick sweetly 'I remember having to drive home for two fucking hours while you got to go back to your cozy little palace.'

'Ahhh...poor Kevin. Didn't I make it worth your while? You said I made your head explode!' Patrick had moved closer to Kevin, his voice sultry and breathy at the same time, pitched just right to send shivers down Kevin's spine. Really? Hadn't his poor cock had enough? They'd been fucking on and off all day for christ's sake! Still, the cock wants what the cock wants...

'That's not all that exploded..' Kevin murmured stepping right up to Patrick and reaching for Patrick's hand to 'show' him his growing erection.

If the doorbell hadn't rung right then, letting them know that Agustin was actually at the front door, Kevin was pretty sure the conversation would have led to some sort of re-enactment of the night up at the Russian River. Which was one of his very favorite memories of their times together before he'd left Jon. Patrick high, horny, adventurous and insatiable...

Good times. Followed by bad times. Followed by some really fucking excellent times...followed by the absolute worst time. Bloody rollercoaster ride.

Kevin contemplated the sleeping Patrick as he slid back into bed, having talked himself out of trying to anesthetize himself into unconsciousness with alcohol. It would be a little difficult to explain to Patrick why he woke up with a hangover given they'd barely had anything to drink last night before falling back into bed to fuck again after dinner. So, how many times had they fucked today? Was Kevin trying to fuck Patrick's doubts away? If only that would work. This was what their first night should have been like. Shagged out after multiple orgasms, lying tangled together, hopeful and excited for the next day...instead it had been a slow-moving train wreck, ending with them sleeping apart and so alone for the first time since Kevin had waited for Patrick on his stoop, to ask for another chance at a relationship with him.

And even though this new 'first day' had been practically perfect, it was tinged with a slight edge of anxiety, or, if that was too strong a word, maybe something more like...awareness, for Kevin, and probably for Patrick too. Yes, the commitment was there, but...would it last? Were the wounds too deep? Had too much been said? Was this just avoidance and denial? It fucking crushed him to think that could be true. Literally, the breath just felt stomped out of his body whenever he found himself wondering if Patrick was genuinely happy and excited or if he was just putting on a brave front...

Now this was exactly the sort of shit that he had to stop. Why was he doubting Patrick? Patrick had been fucking amazing today, and even when Agustin had dropped by and there'd been the constant little reminders about their rocky start, he'd shown himself to be able to laugh and deal with it all.

As soon as Agustin walked in there'd been that first throw-back to horrible Saturday

'Oh my god! How did you get in here? Is it just me that can't operate this building?' Patrick hugged Agustin, bewildered at how everyone seemed to be able to get in and out except him.

'No, I just met someone who was coming into the building and they let me in and up once I told them I was visiting you. Seems you two are already...famous?'

Fucking. Great.

'Oh God, was it Milo? He's very 'helpful'. Patrick had chuckled, but Kevin didn't really feel like laughing. Fucking Milo. And his fucking party. And his fucking predatory friends.

'He didn't tell me his name, but he did ask a lot of questions about how I knew you. A little creepy if you ask me.' Agustin continued. A great judge of character, that Agustin.

'Well, welcome!' Patrick had moved on. 'Here it is! Ignore the boxes...we got a lot done but they never seem to end.' And Kevin had breathed a little sigh of relief. No follow up mention of Milo's party. Even though all three of them obviously knew about it.

Kevin had suggested they move to the roof deck as he saw Patrick becoming more agitated at Agustin's under-whelmed response to their new home. If the roof-top didn't blow Agustin away then he was full of shit. And Agustin prided himself on his honesty so Kevin was pretty sure Patrick would get his seal of approval on the apartment.

Kevin carried the beers as they headed up to the roof, keeping an eye on Patrick's hands as they clenched and unclenched before rubbing his thighs. Shit. He didn't want this going south, not after the good day they'd had. But thankfully, the view came through, and Agustin was predictably impressed.

'Jesus. Ok. I think I get it now. This is fucking sweet.' He said in awe, as he looked around their ridiculously gorgeous rooftop garden

Kevin and Patrick laughed, and Kevin relaxed just a tiny bit. There were still landmines ahead though.

'Here.' Agustin pushed a small package into Patrick's hands as they took their seats and drank their beers. 'This is for you for your New Home.'

'I'm so excited! I don't think you've ever given me a present before.' Patrick beamed.

'Well reign it in because it's not much, and it probably won't happen again.'

Patrick ripped off the brown paper wrapping, and then sat staring for a few silent moments at what he held in his hands. Leaving Agustin and their apartment of eight years had been hard for Patrick, and Kevin was on high alert for melt-downs, but Patrick seemed genuinely happy as he looked up at Agustin.

'I love it. Thank you.'

'Do I get to see?' Kevin nudged him.

'It's the three of us, as the Three Amigos. We went to see it together years ago and I loved it and they used to make fun of me because I tried to make the name stick and they wouldn't let me. Did you draw this?'

'No, they sell them in the shop like that.' Agustin replied. 'Of course I drew it.'

Patrick ignored his sarcasm. Obviously used to it after years and years of living together

'It's so good. I love it.'

'Yeah, well it was Dom's idea and I didn't really want to draw it but he begged me and Eddie told me I would be a dick if I didn't, so...surprise!' As if Agustin would need to be persuaded to do something nice for his precious Paddy. Kevin rolled his eyes at the pair of them, but they were too busy staring sentimentally into each other's eyes to notice him. Thank god there was obviously no sexual chemistry between the two of them because the way they loved on each other was enough to make even the most confident of men wonder sometimes.

'I'm sorry they made you do it, but I really love it.' Patrick continued sappily, but then, miracle of miracles, he finally seemed to remember Kevin's presence. 'It's totally going on the wall, right Kevin?'

'Of course, babe.'

'We're ordering food. You want to stay for dinner?' Patrick turned back to his best friend, and Kevin held his breath waiting for Agustin's reply. He liked Agustin, and he understood the friends' need to make sure Patrick was doing okay so soon after the disastrous weekend...but he wanted their little peaceful day cocooned together to get back on track. And that cocoon did not include Agustin.

'No, I have to get going soon' Agustin replied, and Kevin sent up a silent prayer of thanks. His relief was short-lived though. 'But... could I get a cup of coffee, Paddy?' Agustin added.

Fuck. Here it was.

'Coffee? Since when do you drink coffee at night?' Patrick asked, immediately on alert.

'Eddie's taking me to this event tonight and I could do with the caffeine.'

'O...kay...Kevin, you want anything?' Patrick asked, obviously buying for time for inspiration to hit. But really, wasn't it better to get this over with?

'I'm good.'

Patrick obviously hadn't come to the same conclusion as Kevin.

'Actually, why don't you make the coffee, Kevin, or better yet, you come with me Agustin and we can 'chat' while I make it?'

'It's fine, Patrick.' Kevin reassured him gently. 'Go and make the coffee.'

Patrick reluctantly picked up the empty beer bottles and headed downstairs, not before giving Agustin a meaningful glare which Kevin caught.

'That was subtle.' Kevin sighed as he and Agustin found themselves finally alone.

'He's probably making the fastest coffee in history. Thank god I won't actually have to drink it.'

'And the reason for this chat is, I suppose...?'

'It's actually probably not what you think.' Agustin interrupted him quietly. They both sat there silently. But Kevin wasn't interested in power games. He wanted to get this over with, so he was willing to lay his cards on the table.

'Well, I THINK that Patrick thinks you approve, but that that's not really true, is it?' he said simply.

It was Agustin's turn to sigh. 'Well, I suppose one good thing is it seems to not matter so much any more what I think, what Dom thinks...'

'What Richie thinks?' Kevin supplied helpfully.

Agustin grimaced, and Kevin felt his heart sink. But what the hell did he expect? For Agustin to rush to assure him that Richie's opinion was immaterial. They both knew better.

'Yeah...well Paddy's a work in progress, you know. Look, he's trying really hard, but you know him, right? He's still Patrick and he's still going to have his freak-outs and his spirals...'

'I DO know him.' Kevin rallied. Richie was an issue, but not THE issue that Agustin was here for.

'But...well...don't we all have those moments? At least when he spirals there's drama, and eating, and tears. When I spiral, virtual strangers are picking me up off the streets passed out in front of Pupusa carts.'

Kevin shook his head. They were so off topic it was unbelievable.

'In case you haven't noticed, Agustin, you don't have to sell me on Patrick. He does a pretty good job of that on his own.'

'He never knows how fucking charming people find him. I never understood why he's so pretty and doesn't even know it. If he could just have relaxed a little, he'd have been the fucking catch of San Francisco.' Agustin chuckled wryly.

'Well let's just keep that little fact between us, shall we?'

'That's the real point though, Kevin. He's not like me and you. You can take the boy out of puritan WASP country but you can't take...'

Agustin paused and looked meaningfully at Kevin. Here it was then.

'He might think he'll be Ok with our 'perspective' on life, but, if you're counting on him to really change...then...yeah...then I'm worried.'

That was smart. Banding them together so there was no implied criticism of Kevin. Kevin was impressed. Agustin must have really thought this through. Rather than come in guns blazing and ranting about how he wasn't fit to lick the mud of Patrick's boots, Agustin was giving Kevin a dignified way out. Smart, but so not necessary. And not something Kevin was willing to discuss.

'Look, I know you guys always talk about this stuff together, but I'm not really comfortable discussing Patrick behind his back, like he's a problem child that has to be dealt with.'

'I don't think he's a child...' Agustin jumped in quickly.

'Well, maybe you do. You don't have to 'warn' me, you don't have to 'prepare' me, you don't have to 'protect' him. We'll either work it out or we won't, but that's between him and me.' Kevin stated emphatically. Patrick had to come to these decision on his own if what they had had a chance in hell of working. Surely his friends had to see that.

'Ok. Sorry.' Agustin put his hands up in mock surrender, but it was obvious he was 'sorry' for the wrong thing.

'You don't have to say sorry.' Kevin continued. The boys needed to understand that he had boundaries, even if Patrick didn't. 'I know you're doing this because you've always looked out for each other and you love him, but if he wants to stand on his own feet and work this out by himself, let's just trust that he can do that. I HAVE to trust that he can do that, that he can speak for himself and that HE can tell me what he wants and needs.' Kevin tried to explain.

'Ok...ok...I said my peace, I'll just stay out of it.'

Kevin shook his head. This was very important. 'You don't have to stay out of anything. You're his friend. He'll probably always tell you stuff that I would rather he didn't. But I'm not built that way. PATRICK's the only one I want to talk to about Patrick.' And he hoped to god that the message would get through to both Agustin and Dom. He didn't want an intermediary. He didn't want anyone explaining him to Patrick or Patrick to him. This was THEIR shit, and even if Patrick talked it through with his sounding boards, at the end of the day it was Patrick and Kevin, facing each other, together, alone, that had to work through it all.

Agustin was silent for a few moments as he seemed to be processing Kevin's words.

'So no cozy fireside chats about relationship problems? Got it.'

Kevin laughed, relieved that Agustin chose humor to end this.

'Shall we let the poor bugger know it's safe to come back?' Kevin raised an eyebrow at Agustin.

'I wouldn't mind letting him stew a little longer. He made us sweat it out yesterday, sitting in that kitchen for hours.'

'Let's not compare crappy days, shall we?' Kevin smiled brightly.

'Sorry...again. Jesus. Maybe we should call him back up so I can stop putting my foot in my mouth.'

'Sounds like a good plan.' Kevin agreed and picked up his phone to text Patrick. Who appeared within seconds with a coffee cup in his hand, and an overly casual expression on his face. Poor Patrick. He must have been shitting bricks waiting for the summons.

'Ok. So this isn't at all awkward. Are we all still friends...or...?'

Kevin smiled and put his arm around Patrick as he sat next to him on the loveseat.

'All still friends. Best friends.' Agustin reassured Patrick. 'Kevin was just telling me how he'd love to sit and chat for hours over a good glass of wine, and I was telling him how I prefer to respect your privacy, so we got that cleared up.'

Kevin laughed while Patrick grimaced.

'Oh god,' he turned to Kevin. 'That bad?'

Kevin leaned into Patrick and kissed him briefly.

'Nah.' He shook his head. 'It's all fine. He was just telling me that he misses having me around because he got off on hearing you moaning through the walls.'

'Kevin!' Patrick jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.

Agustin grinned. 'And on that note...I shall bid you both good night, and let you enjoy your evening. Thanks for the coffee Patrick. I'm sure it tastes like shit.'

Patrick had ushered Agustin out, and god knew what they'd recapped and analyzed while they walked to the elevator, but Kevin was hopeful that if Agustin was reporting back their conversation verbatim, Patrick would have nothing new to obsess about.

Gazing at him now in their bed, Kevin couldn't help but think about Agustin's words. And about how everyone in Patrick's orbit felt protective of him, and considered him innocent and fragile. Certainly lying there asleep, Patrick looked like the innocent, sweet, dewey-eyed WASP Agustin talked about.

Kevin chewed on his lip. He loved him so fucking much. Was he going to corrupt him? Was he going to be able to keep his promise?

Was he physically capable?

It was inconceivable to him now that he would ever deliberately do something he knew would hurt Patrick, but...he'd hurt Jon. He'd tried not to for longer than he should have and ended up probably hurting him more, but...ultimately not hurting Jon had become secondary to getting what he wanted. Could that happen again?

Alright. This was the time for no more bullshit. Now, in the dead of night, all alone, he had to be honest with himself. He had told Patrick he could change. That he WOULD change. But...that wasn't really the truth. The truth was he would probably never feel that monogamy was the only way to express devotion and commitment. But the more important truth was that he'd never felt anything close to the way he felt about Patrick for anyone else, and he knew that he never would again. It wasn't romantic crap about kindred spirits and one true love...it was just that this level of feeling was glorious and fantastic and amazing...but it was also scary and uncomfortable and made you vulnerable, and if he'd known it would be like this he'd have avoided it, but since it crept up on him, it was too late to stop it and now he was in it he wasn't giving it up. But it was a one shot deal for him. Patrick had made it through his armor, but if this ever ended, Kevin was done. So...the truth was that he'd do pretty much anything Patrick wanted in order to keep Patrick with him. And if Patrick wanted absolute monogamy, Kevin was ready to sign on whatever dotted line Patrick put in front of him.

No hand job was worth jeopardizing his relationship with Patrick. The challenge now was he needed to make sure Patrick believed that. He didn't yet. He might say he trusted Kevin, but he didn't really believe it. He didn't think he was enough for Kevin to make that 'sacrifice'. How could he not know how much he was worth? How could he not just say 'This is it. You want me, these are the rules. Get with the program.'? It blew Kevin's mind just how little Patrick valued himself.

Kevin had his work cut out for him to make sure Patrick believed him that he was worth anything and everything.

But...short of time, how could he show him that? Words alone weren't going to do it. He needed time. Time for Patrick to see that things could be good. WERE good. That things were fucking amazing. That all the stuff that had pulled them towards each other were still there, as strong as ever. The physical attraction, which made Kevin want him all the fucking time. The way Kevin pushed Patrick to let his suppressed sensuality and frankly, his horniness, to shine the fuck through. The shared passion for their work, which they could geek over and talk about for hours, getting lost in their world of video games and programming. The way their sense of humors just complemented each other so easily. Kevin's sarcasm and teasing bringing out Patrick's own hidden slyness and dark humor. These were fundamentals. These were solid foundations. Patrick just needed to live that for a while, with no more drama and no more angst...just the simple pleasure of living a happy life. With lots of hot sex.

Well, Kevin could certainly work on the hot sex bit, but he couldn't guarantee the 'no more drama' or the 'no more angst' bit. The Conversation they were due to have couldn't be put off indefinitely, but Kevin was going to do his damnedest to delay it at least a few days. He needed to keep giving Patrick some good memories in this apartment to counterbalance that incredibly shitty first twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, Kevin needed Patrick awake. He needed to be able to look into Patrick's eyes and see love and reassurance, and trust. Most of all, trust. It scared him how much he needed Patrick in that moment. Because he'd had a glimpse of a world without Patrick the day before and it was horrible, and that world could still be the one he had to live in if he failed to make Patrick believe him. Believe IN him. Kevin reached out a hand and cupped Patrick's face lightly, ever so gently stroking his fingers into Patrick's shorn hair. And that lightest of touches brought Patrick awake slowly, gently, and in a matter of moments Patrick's eyes were open and gazing sleepily at Kevin.

Patrick smiled.

'Hey.' He murmured.

'Sorry I woke you' Kevin said softly, as he traced Patrick's jaw with his finger, and then moved to gently stroke his lips, wanting to catch that sweet smile and imprint it on his memory.

'What's wrong?' Patrick asked quietly, turning to his side to face Kevin and reaching up his hand to trap Kevin's.

Kevin shrugged. 'Nightmare'.

Patrick moved until his body was plastered up against Kevin's and wrapped his arms around Kevin's shoulders, angling his head up to press a gentle kiss against his lips.

'All better now?' He asked.

Kevin smiled as he grazed his forehead against Patrick's.

'Hmmhmm' He sighed by way of reply.

Patrick leaned back in to kiss Kevin again. A simple brushing of lips, over and over again. Sweet and loving. So so tender. Kevin felt Patrick's mouth touching his closed eyelids, and then move down his nose, smattering little kisses across his face, across his cheek and over his jaw line as his mouth made it's way back to Kevin's lips. And then it stayed there, moving gently on Kevin's mouth, becoming a little more insistent as Patrick's arms tightened around his shoulders and started moving down his back. Kevin clutched Patrick to him, his fingers squeezing so hard he knew he was leaving marks on Patrick's skin, but he was so overwhelmed with the desire to be close to him, with the urge to prove his love for him, his greed for him, his ridiculous need for him, by grabbing him and holding him tight and never letting him go, and suddenly the gentle sweet kisses weren't enough. He wanted to devour Patrick. To own him body and soul. For there not to be an inch of space between them. For them to share every breath and feel every heartbeat. Kevin plunged his tongue into Patrick's mouth and lapped up every part he could reach. He sucked at Patrick's tongue and pulling back, he licked at his lips and bit them, before pushing back into Patrick's mouth and just deciding he wanted to live in there for ever.

Patrick moaned into his mouth, as he moved his hand down to grasp Kevin's ass and grind himself against Kevin's hard and heavy erection.

'Let me in. Please. Let me in...' Kevin whispered, pulling away from Patrick's mouth and moving his own to that sweet spot just where Patrick's neck met his shoulder. That delicious piece of skin that tasted and smelt of pure Patrick. Salty and sweet and musky and so fucking delicious.

'Yes...yes...' Patrick sighed as he leaned his head back to give Kevin better access to his body.

Kevin twisted his body to reach for the condom and lube he had on his nightstand, and Patrick used the opportunity to latch onto Kevin's nipple, sucking it gently and then lapping at it, making Kevin's hands shake as he tried to tear open the condom packet. Patrick bit down and pulled back, causing Kevin to beg him to give him a minute...just a minute so he could concentrate...but Patrick seemed too enthralled with Kevin's skin and biting and licking it to give much notice to what Kevin was saying. Kevin had to lie back and simply give in as Patrick made a meal of his body, but when Patrick's wondering hands grazed over his rock hard cock and continued down to stroke his balls, Kevin knew that Patrick had to be stopped. So he put the condom and lube in Patrick's hands and pulled his head up back to his so he could get back into Patrick's mouth with his tongue.

Within seconds Patrick had rolled the condom onto Kevin's straining dick, and was rubbing lube all over him, as he shifted his thigh high up over Kevin's and started rubbing his own dick against Kevin's belly.

'I can't wait any longer' Kevin whispered into his mouth.

'Do it'. Patrick panted, and Kevin smiled in wonder at how they had both caught fire so quickly. He watched Patrick's eyes as he pressed inside him slowly. Watched how they opened up in that astonished way that made Kevin's heart flutter, before they closed on a deep sigh as Patrick's whole body seemed to melt into his. Patrick was perfectly still, not even breathing, as he waited for Kevin to start moving inside him, and within seconds, his body was moving to Kevin's rhythm, open and soft and inviting and warm, but also hard and impatient and demanding. Patrick glued his mouth to Kevin's, his tongue reaching for Kevin's, his moans and sighs filling Kevin's mouth. Kevin's hands were holding Patrick's hips, bearing him down as he pushed up, and his own eyes squeezed shut as he tried to keep himself from coming too fast. He wanted Patrick to come with him, but he didn't want to let go of Patrick's body to stroke his dick, and Patrick's own hands were glued to Kevin's head, as if they'd forgotten that they could be used for anything but keeping Kevin's mouth in place and accessible. Kevin smiled as he angled his hips and hit that spot inside Patrick that made him gasp and tense. Good. That would work beautifully. He would bring himself off while rubbing on Patrick's p-spot, and they would both get to where they needed to be. And Patrick seemed to be on board with the plan as he began to writhe on Kevin, straining both to get as close to him as he could so his cock could rub between their bodies, but also so he could feel Kevin hitting that magic place inside that made him feel like he was a live wire shooting off sparks.

'Fuck'. Kevin panted. 'I love this so much. I can't get enough of you like this.' He was so close but was holding off because really, if this feeling could last for ever it would be so fucking fantastic.

'Don't stop.' Patrick sighed, echoing Kevin's thoughts, kissing every piece of Kevin's face he could reach.

'I love you' Kevin gasped, and at that, Patrick's eyes shot open and Kevin could have sworn he saw the trust he had been looking for shining right back at him. In this moment, Patrick believed him. And that was everything.

'Fuck, Kevin. I'm coming' Patrick whispered, his eyes still open and staring deep into Kevin's, and Kevin gave in and let the feelings take him over. He felt Patrick's orgasm splash between them as he filled the condom deep inside Patrick.

And the orgasm was fantastic, but the bit after, the bit where Patrick waited for him to pull out and tie the condom up before throwing it away and then pulled Kevin back into the bed and wrapped Kevin up with his arms and legs so that they were literally sharing the same air...that bit was glorious. And that was the bit that Kevin would move heaven and earth to keep. And for tonight, with Patrick's face in his neck, breathing Kevin in deeply, murmuring nonsense love words as he fell back to sleep, Kevin believed that they were invincible. And he slept well.


	6. Appetites

Patrick watched Kevin warily, trying to find something encouraging in the growing piles of food he was chopping and cutting on the kitchen counter. Did salad really count as a meal? Sure, they couldn't eat out all the time and they were both sick to death of pizza, but...salad? Did Kevin realize that salad was only ever an appetizer or a side dish? Was this an English thing? Even Agustin, the putative vegetarian of the bunch, drew a line at just having raw leaves for an entire meal. Sure, he seemed to be adding other things like tomatoes and onions and cucumbers...but it looked really awful.

Patrick sighed. Kevin looked up at him sharply and narrowed his eyes. Patrick sighed again. And maybe batted his eyelashes? Kevin went back to chopping. This was going to be the world's most precisely cut salad. Patrick thought back fondly to the day Kevin cooked him that outrageous yet delicious breakfast of sausages, fried tomatoes, eggs...

It was his own fault though. He had made some comment that they really should eventually use the kitchen for something other than fucking against the counter and getting drinks from the fridge, and Kevin had decided that tonight, on this second evening in their new home, he was going to prepare a meal for his beloved. And since all he seemed to know how to prepare were greasy breakfast foods or meticulously designed salads, Patrick was shit out of luck.

Maybe just using the kitchen for sex and drinks wasn't such a bad idea. They'd had some really good sex in kitchens. Patrick smiled as he remembered Kevin pushing him onto the little kitchen table in his old apartment and fucking his brains out. Good times. That had been really hot. A little rough, Kevin barely taking the time to prepare him before he pushed in, so hard, so deep...a little tender, Kevin still making sure he wasn't hurting his injured arm, even as he held Patrick down and fucked him relentlessly... a little scary, as he had felt the table wobble and rock under Kevin's pounding...and very very hot. Patrick had come so hard he had almost passed out and only Kevin's collapsed weight on top of him kept him from just staying there, bent over the table, and falling asleep.

They would need a sturdier table for this apartment. But still narrow enough so that he could grip both it's sides. Maybe one that was small enough to get comfortably fucked against but that could also expand to accommodate dinner guests?

Ugh. Patrick shuddered. Furniture shopping was going to be a challenge. They had VERY different tastes, if all those posters were anything to go by. He had to get Kevin to take that poster down somehow, and definitely NOT put any of those other weird soccer ones up. Though now that damn Field of Dreams piece of crap was more than just a poster. Apparently it was a 'symbol' and, worse, it was something Kevin was finding amusing teasing Patrick about. He kept suggesting that they watch the movie together, as if somehow, gaining an appreciation for an 80s piece of maudlin crap was going to make him want a movie poster on his wall. There were going to be some real battles ahead, but Patrick had already decided in his head that if he lost any of those decorating battles, he was going to use the excuse of Kevin being British to all his friends. The British weren't really known for their style, right? Well, not since the 60s anyway. Bad food, bad teeth, rain and sarcasm.

And talking of bad food...Patrick watched the preparation of the salad glumly.

'Oy.' Kevin threw a cherry tomato at the pouting Patrick.

'What?' Patrick protested, scrambling to catch the tomato before it fell to the floor, shocked out of his little reverie.

'Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?'

Patrick stared at Kevin thoughtfully, and then smiled brightly.

'Sure?'

Kevin rolled his eyes, and then continued talking about something which Patrick was apparently supposed to have been listening to for the past fifteen minutes, while he sat at the counter watching Kevin prepare their 'meal'.

Finally tuning in, Patrick realized that Kevin must have been keeping us some sort of running commentary throughout, which was so unusual that Patrick hadn't even noticed it happening. It seemed as though cooking brought out loquacious Kevin. Good to know.

The current topic was work. More specifically, their project deadlines, upcoming presentations, deadly boring budget stuff he was dreading...etcetera etcetera. Shit. Work. Patrick had almost forgotten that they were going back to work. Tomorrow.

While Kevin talked about the annoying demands management was making and the unrealistic deadline expectations they were imposing, all typical bullshit that he had to push back against project after project, Patrick thought about his own little world. Things hadn't been so great at work since they'd 'come out'. Nothing overtly hostile had been said and certainly no one had been rude...but there was a general sense of things not being quite the same.

Of course there was Meredith's comments about heterosexuals being discriminated against. It had been a long time since he had to think about homophobia having an impact on his life, especially since he'd deliberately chosen San Fransisco to avoid any of that. And he'd wanted them to be out as a couple but now, as he sat chatting with people he always considered friends as well as colleagues, he couldn't help wondering if people were imagining Kevin and him having sex. That whole 'imagining that dick in your ass' thing that he'd struggled with for years with his parents. It made him cringe. Though if he were to be honest with himself he wouldn't mind so much if people were imagining he was topping Kevin, which would give Agustin hours of fodder for his sex-positive lectures if he ever told him. Which he obviously wouldn't.

And even if people weren't imagining them having weird gay butt sex, there was definitely that whole 'fucking the boss thing' that seem to have freaked Owen out. That situation was really messed up, and he really should do something about it. But...what? He couldn't tell Owen that they'd had to keep it a secret because of Jon, because then the whole affair would come out and that would be even more of a shitstorm. So somehow he had to find a way to thaw Owen's coldness and get them back to the way they were before. He missed Owen. And the fact that Owen was upset that his friend was sleeping with his boss made Patrick feel...uncomfortable.

He'd never thought about the fact that he was fucking the boss. It was always just Kevin he was fucking. Not the team leader. The MDG hot shot. Though of course the fact that Kevin was smart and powerful and well respected and talented was a huge turn on. But he hadn't done it to advance his career. Those thoughts had been furthest from his mind. If anything, this whole thing may have harmed his prospects as HR couldn't possibly look on the whole thing too fondly. But...he didn't give a shit. He loved Kevin's aggressiveness, loved the aura of success that surrounded him, but it wasn't as important to him. He never really could be the type of manager that Kevin was. He didn't have that whole 'confidence' thing that drew people to Kevin like moths to flames. He was a natural born leader. Patrick...wasn't. He loved video games, loved designing them, loved coding them and one day hoped to be a team leader. But not management. That wasn't him.

Oh shit. Kevin was talking about shopping now. He'd moved on from the topic of work, and was now listing all the things they needed to do to get this place ready. All the shops they had to go to to find the furniture and household items they needed. How they would fit it in with work. And unpacking. Always still so much unpacking to do. Kevin was pointing to boxes with his chef's knife and cataloguing all the crap still left to do. Kevin was regretting that they hadn't got more done today, but that was bullshit. They'd needed a break. And it had been Kevin's idea anyway!

'Do we have to do more unpacking after breakfast? Can we just go to the movies or something? Or even a museum or just anything but please, no more boxes...please please please.' Kevin had begged at brunch this morning, and Patrick wan't inclined to deny him. He also knew that they'd probably need more of a break after the conversation Patrick was going to have with him over brunch.

'Ok' he'd laughed at the pleading Kevin. And then, his laughter dying out, he'd broached the subject he'd been dreading since the text he'd received the night before. The text from Richie. 'But...first...I wanted to talk to you about something, and...I'm not sure you're going to like it.'

'Fuck.'

'You wondered why I wanted to come out for breakfast, and the reason is I don't want to have another fight in our home.' Patrick had said tentatively, not looking Kevin in the eyes, rolling a piece of artisanal bread between his fingers.

'Jesus, Patrick.'

'I don't want there to be more memories of fighting and arguing than there are good ones, and yesterday was a fucking great day and so I decided that if you're going to get mad at me, I don't want it happening at home.' Patrick rushed in, finally looking up at Kevin and moving his hand to grab Kevin's. Was it more to reassure him, or to make sure Kevin didn't storm out? Maybe a little of both. 'That place already has too many ghosts...I don't even know if I will ever be able to go in the parking lot or basement again, but at least for today, home is the place we go to AFTER we get mad. Ok?'

There was a long silent pause.

'Patrick, do you hate that place now? I know it's got some bad memories...'

'No, I don't hate it.' Patrick stated, squeezing Kevin's hand, twining their fingers. 'I can't say I totally love it yet, but, when it's more our home, and we've lived in it and we've been happy, then...it'll be different.'

Another silence as Kevin looked at him intently.

'You want to move?'

'Are you kidding me?' Patrick gasped. 'Pack up and unpack again? After the work we've done?' and then...more gently... 'Kevin. I'd live anywhere with you. I just want to be with YOU.'

This time the silence was accompanied by a smiling Kevin.

'You really are hitting it out of the ballpark with your answers these days, Patrick Murray.'

'Well, I decided to control my stupid mouth and try to use it only for good.' Patrick laughed.

'I love your mouth.' Kevin replied, very very seriously.

'Really?'

'It's a very talented mouth.' Kevin insisted.

'Thank you.' Patrick said primly. 'I think so too.'

'I like what you did with it this morning.'

Patrick looked at Kevin, suddenly wary of the gleam in his eyes.

'Yeah. I got that.'

'You haven't done that before.' Kevin continued, smiling broadly now.

'Jesus...'

He should have known it was too good to be true that Kevin wouldn't bring up this morning's activities at some point when they were out in public. He delighted in embarrassing Patrick, and what better way than to remind him of the fact that Patrick had woken up with an insatiable desire to taste Kevin. Everywhere. In detail. With intense concentration and a focused dedication. And Kevin had lost his fucking mind. Patrick was indeed talented it would seem, if Kevin's moans and grunts were anything to go by. He had begged Patrick to keep going, begged him not to stop, had hardened in seconds as Patrick had rimmed him, slowly at first and then with more greed and passion as Kevin's responses fed his own horniness. He'd intended his first experience with rimming to just be a precursor to fucking Kevin into the mattress, but it was so fucking hot, so unexpectedly powerful that he'd only just managed to give his own poor neglected dick a few strokes before he'd come all over the mattress.

'Are you blushing, Patrick Murray?' Kevin asked, grinning at him, not letting him pull his hand away so he could pretend to eat his breakfast and ignore Kevin.

'My stupid face...' Patrick mumbled.

'Don't say that! I love that face.'

'Are you trying to distract me?' Patrick frowned.

'Is it working?'

'As a matter of fact...it almost is.'

Kevin was very good at distracting him with sex. And his aim was perfectly obvious.

'Good.' Kevin stated. 'Because I think we should have a few more days of fucking peace and tranquility and avoid any of those topics on your list. I don't want to talk about them today. Please!'

'Firstly, it's OUR list, not mine,' Patrick protested, 'and secondly, I don't want to spoil today either, and I promise this is the absolutely smallest thing on the list, but...we have to talk about it now because...something happened...last night.'

Kevin put down his fork and leaned back staring at Patrick.

'How the fuck could something have happened last night? We haven't been apart since yesterday morning!'

'You see?' Patrick said perkily. 'It's not such a big deal. It's just that...I got a text...from Richie. But I didn't answer it yet, and you can check my phone' Patrick held out his phone to Kevin, who just shook his head.

'I'm not going to check your phone, Patrick.'

Patrick watched him silently, trying to gauge the level of tension Kevin was feeling. Fuck it. He just had to ask.

'Ok. Are you...mad?'

'Huh...' Kevin breathed heavily. 'I don't know what I feel.'

Well, that was honest.

'Right. Do you...want to know what he said?' Patrick pushed tentatively.

'Do I?'

So Patrick made a decision. It was nicer to think of fucking and rimming, and it was more fun to plan a day at the movies...but they also had to talk about some of this shit. Not all of it, not now, but they couldn't put off everything that came up that took them back to the horror of the weekend. And in this case, he wanted Kevin's input. Surely they could have a discussion.

'All he said was "are you ok? call if you want to talk". That's all he said.' Patrick reassured Kevin, 'But I've got to say something back and I just wanted to...you know...discuss it...first.'

'Right. Discuss.' Kevin seemed to deflate at that word. Yeah. Discussing things hadn't gone well a few days ago. But they were different now. They had to be able to do this Patrick thought. 'Well...I suppose I would open this 'discussion' by asking if you want to talk to him?' Kevin continued after a significant pause.

'Today, or ever?' Patrick asked simply.

Kevin sat back in his chair, pulling his hand away from Patrick's. Oh boy.

'Let's start with today.'

'No.' Patrick stated. 'I don't want to talk to him today. I have nothing to say to him today, except maybe 'thanks for the haircut. Kevin doesn't really like it. I'm Ok''

Kevin tried to smile.

'But ever?' Patrick continued. 'Yeah, I guess I do want talk to him at some point. Not about us, but just...about stuff.' Patrick almost gave up as he saw Kevin's mouth flatten and then watched him start to chew his lip. But he couldn't stop. It wouldn't help in the long run. 'He's a really good guy.' Patrick persisted, more gently. 'And we do care about each other. And I could pretend it's like me and Dom, who hooked up in the past and are now just best friends. But I won't. It's different. I know it is. But it's not...romantic, either. Even if we were both free I don't think we'd ever make it as a couple.'

Kevin looked relieved, and Patrick almost stopped there, but he knew he had to get the rest out. They needed to be honest and open, if they were to survive, however difficult that might be. 'But I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think about it when you were with Jon. Because I did. When I thought you wouldn't leave Jon, I did wish I could have Richie back because I thought it would make me hurt less.'

Kevin looked down at his plate and nodded his head, avoiding Patrick's eyes.

'Ok. I see.'

Did he really see? Patrick wasn't convinced.

'This isn't about making a choice between you and Richie. It hasn't been a real 'choice' since...you know...that night, in the office.' Patrick said softly. 'You are the man I want to spend my life with, and he is...a...friend who I really care about.'

Kevin looked up, obviously hurting.

'Why did you go and see him on Sunday? Why did you need to see Richie rather than anyone else, the very day after?'

Patrick remained silent for a moment, his turn to start chewing his lip. He rubbed his hands on his thighs, as if that would help him find the words that would explain but not hurt Kevin even more. Then taking a deep breath...

'Because I felt shitty.' He admitted quietly. 'I felt... sordid, and I was confused and I knew that if we were going to be together it was going to be complicated and it was going to be difficult and I wanted to be with someone who just...isn't.' Jesus. Saying it out loud was very difficult. It sounded like such a condemnation of Kevin, when it really wasn't. It was a condemnation of them both. 'He isn't like you, and he isn't like me. He wouldn't cheat. He wouldn't lie. That's the truth.'

'Jesus.'

'It's like I was looking for the eye of the hurricane, you know?' Patrick pressed on. 'A little oasis of peace before I had to get back and face the mess we'd made.' Patrick reached again to take Kevin's hand, to soften the blows.

'Because I knew that however shitty and dirty I was feeling about all the cheating and lying, however scared of how complicated it was going to get, and even though I couldn't...and still sometimes can't...begin to figure out how we get to where we both want to be? Even though I was feeling all of that? I knew that I was coming back to you, and that there was no way I wasn't going to try and make it work with you.' Patrick clutched at Kevin's fingers, who in turn held onto Patrick's hand so tightly Patrick knew he would feel it for days to come.

'So, I just wanted to be, for a few minutes...the 'version' of me that I sometimes thought Richie saw. The simple, straightforward farm boy, who had 'bottom shame' and had never taken a boy home to meet his mother. The person I was before life got so fucking complicated. Because of you!' He finished weakly, overcome with emotion and trying to keep it together in the diner.

Patrick kissed Kevin's knuckles, looking at him intently. Kevin eventually gave him a weak smile.

'I'm sorry I asked you to leave' he whispered, his eyes clouding.

'Don't be sorry.' Patrick shook his head. 'It fucking hurt, but you were right. I betrayed you. I betrayed me too, even though I didn't see it like that then, and I didn't mean it like that.'

'I didn't mean to make you feel dirty and shitty. You were right, it was me who put you in that position and it was me who...' Kevin couldn't seem to let that go. The fact that Patrick had felt like that, that he'd made Patrick feel like that. Okay, but they had to get past that. Patrick was finally ready to take responsibility for his own part in the whole thing and Kevin wasn't letting him.

'No...no, no. Stop. Now.' Patrick insisted. 'We're not having the 'who said what and who meant what' conversation today. Ok? But just to be clear, no one ever made me do anything. So, if I did something shitty, like cheat on Richie, then it's ok for me to feel shitty about it.'

'I don't like you feeling shitty.' Kevin said quietly.

Patrick sighed.

'That's sweet, but you'll have to learn to live with it.' He said somewhat glumly. 'You know I'm one of those people that says and does stupid things and I can't keep avoiding the consequences! You should have seen how shitty I felt the morning after my Halloween speech. I thought I'd have to leave the country.'

Kevin chuckled mirthlessly. Another great memory for the two of them.

'That was a fucking awful night. I don't think I'd ever felt so sad in my whole life before.' Kevin shook his head.

'What DID you feel?' Patrick looked at Kevin intently, realizing that he'd never had the chance to understand what happened that night, after that crazy, intense few words they'd exchanged on the stoop, before Jon had interrupted them.

'Jesus.' Kevin rolled his eyes, trying to bring some levity to the conversation. 'You suddenly love talking about this stuff. Feelings and shit. But you still find it hard to say 'I love you'. You are such a mystery.'

Patrick refused to be sidetracked, a fact which Kevin realized after a few moments of silent staring.

'Ok.' He sighed heavily. And then, as if the words were being torn out of him, he began to speak. 'I felt I hated Jon in that moment, when he showed up on those stairs. I felt trapped by him when all I wanted to do was grab you and tell you I would never leave you to go to Seattle. I had to stand there listening to him making stupid jokes about karaoke and I knew you were so fucking upset and I couldn't do anything to comfort you. And I...I just hated him and I felt guilty because he'd done nothing but try and make me happy for two years.'

Fuck. That was fucking...intense.

'I'm so sorry...'

'And I knew as I left with him that I was going to break his heart because he just would never give up, whatever problems we had' Kevin continued, relentless now in finishing this horrible conversation. 'but I was going to walk away because there was no fucking way I could stay with him when I was so in love with you, if there was even a chance you would take me back.'

Patrick reached out for Kevin's other hand, too choked up to say anything. He looked at their hands holding each other, then he looked up at Kevin.

'This is such a fucked up thing to say, but that was really beautiful.'

Kevin shook his head and smiled. A genuine, fucking real, in love smile.

'Jesus.' Patrick smiled back. 'We put each other through the fucking ringer!'

'I never thought for one minute though, that you weren't worth it.' Kevin stated forcefully. 'And even knowing what happened since, and who we've hurt and how we behaved, I STILL will NEVER regret meeting and falling in love with you. I AM the luckiest man in the world for getting to be with you.'

Patrick sniffed, trying to stop himself from tearing up in the restaurant. Fucking Kevin. Say the absolute most perfect right thing at the absolutely wrong time.

'My pancakes are cold.'

Kevin chuckled.

'You want to order more?

'No.' Patrick grimaced at the thought of trying to eat anything now when he was feeling so emotional and weepy. 'I'm not really hungry any more. Can we just go home? Watch a movie?'

'Whatever you want.' Kevin smiled at him. And like that...peace and harmony was restored. They'd got through their first post-second-move-in conversation and, sure, Patrick had been reduced to wobbly tears in public, but it had been totally worth it just to know that they could do it. They could have an honest discussion of something painful in their past and not lash out at each other or run away from each other. And though the whole Richie thing wasn't exactly resolved, Patrick felt more confidence now that at any point that they would be able to work out the role that Richie could and would play in their lives.

So they'd gone to see a movie, and then did a bit of grocery and house stuff shopping, careful with each other, still not ready to take each other for granted. And now, hours later as Patrick watched Kevin prepare what was definitely not a real meal, and only partially listened to him chatting randomly about work and shopping plans, he was fully aware that this minute, in this kitchen, in this apartment, was a minute he almost didn't have.

So he'd eat whatever crap Kevin prepared for him, and even put up with a poster of Kevin Costner looking down at him all smug and cocky, because happiness was getting to live with your boyfriend's bad taste and poor cooking skills, and great body, and beautiful, talented penis, and grabby, clutching hands, and horrible, loving, affectionate, annoying teasing, and big, pointy out ears, and rock hard pecs, and razor sharp brain, and gamer nerdiness, and beautiful smiling crinkly eyes, and...so many many good and bad things.

Patrick felt overwhelmed as he watched Kevin dump the salad pieces into some random wooden bowl that magically appears from a cabinet. He couldn't help himself. He walked around the counter and grabbed Kevin around the waist, pushing his face into Kevin's neck, squeezing him tight.

Kevin protested, brandishing his knife and trying to shove Patrick away as he tried to finish the salad. But Patrick held on not letting go. He would never let go. Whatever happened at work in the next few days, whatever condemnation they faced and difficulties that lay ahead of them, as long as he could hold onto Kevin, and avoid his flailing knife, they could face anything, together.

Kevin sighed, and Patrick felt him relenting grudgingly. This was so romantic. The two of them, sort of hugging...well, Patrick stuck like a barnacle on Kevin's back and Kevin trying to tidy up cutting boards. And as usual, what started off as romantic pretty quickly morphed into something significantly more earthy. Kevin smelt good. Freshly showered. A little musky from his own natural clean sweat. And he looked so fricking sexy in his tight black t-shirt holding that huge knife with such a serious expression on his adorable face. Patrick became a little more amorous, dropping his arms a little lower around Kevin's hips and casually letting his hands rest conveniently just above Kevin's crotch. He also decided that maybe Kevin could do with being reminded just how much he loved Patrick's mouth.

'Don't mind me...keep cooking' Patrick murmured into Kevin's ear, sticking his tongue out to gently lap at that little piece of skin that joined Kevin's shoulder to his neck. Salty. Yum.

He turned a suddenly pliable Kevin round and dropped to his knees as Kevin leant back against the counter. Patrick smiled up sweetly at Kevin as he unbuttoned Kevin's jeans and reverently pulled out his semi-hard cock form within his briefs.

'Fuck' Kevin exhaled as Patrick dropped his mouth onto him and took him inside with one smooth, deep motion. He would be getting some protein after all, Patrick though hazily, as the smell of pure sex overwhelmed him. God, this man really did have a magnificent dick.

'Jesus fucking christ...' Kevin whispered, as his non-knife wielding hand dropped to clutch at Patrick's head. 'You are making me weak at the knees' he moaned.

Patrick pulled off Kevin's cock and looked up at him again, focusing on the glassy eyes and puffed bitten lips that told him how much Kevin was enjoying himself.

'Keep those knees locked just a little longer' he suggested, as he pushed up off his own knees and turned Kevin roughly, pushing him onto the counter. Lube, condoms, all conveniently placed in a drawer an arm's length away, helped him find himself deep in Kevin's body within moments, and they both exhaled as they paused for a moment to let Kevin get used to the invasion. Patrick felt him relax, and saw his hand drop the knife as he braced his arms against the counter. Good. He was ready.

Within minutes Kevin's chest was sprawled against the granite, his arms scrabbling to find something to hold onto as Patrick panted in his ear how much he was enjoying fucking him, being inside him, feeling him hot and tight all around him.

Kevin's twisted his body up and around to grab Patrick's head and bring his mouth down for a kiss. Well, more like so he could chew Patrick's lips off and suck his tongue deep into his own mouth as he tried to get as deep into Patrick's body as Patrick was in his. Patrick wanted deeper access though, so he pushed Kevin back down after a few minutes of that desperate, fucking hot kissing, and was only briefly thrown off his game as he heard a clang and Kevin's swearing.

Oops. There went the wooden bowl. Swept off the counter to make room for Kevin's heaving chest.

Patrick smiled, before his eyes rolled back in his head and he came and fucking came, panting and grunting into Kevin, feeling Kevin tighten around him as his own orgasm obviously took over his body and left him lying there weakly, gasping for air.

'You fucker' Kevin panted. Patrick patted his hip sweetly as he pulled out gently.

Another meal ruined. Yay!


	7. The Muni

Life was good. No, scratch that. Life was fucking awesome.

Life was about being able to enjoy a simple bus ride home from work, sitting next to your boyfriend that you spent a lot of the day staring at from inside your office, when you should have been concentrating on project deadlines.

It should all be pretty familiar and boring by now. They'd done this from Patrick's flat when Kevin had been living there, but it still felt different now to Kevin, to set off for work together, and to plan on coming home together. And to have lunch together knowing that they'd also be having dinner together later. It should be claustrophobic, but it wasn't. Not even a little bit. It was some blessed normality after the fucking turmoil they'd gone through, so he wasn't taking a minute of it for granted. He loved all the boring details of what it took to just get into the routine of sharing their new home. Who showered when (current preference was in the morning, together), preparing breakfast (Kevin some cereal, Patrick trying to stick to fruit, and stealing Kevin's cereal), then after work shopping for food (Patrick insisting on organic and Fair Trade, Kevin not really giving a shit but liking the cool self scanning check outs), picking a movie (still had to persuade Patrick to watch Field of Dreams), sex...

Kevin turned his head to stare at an uncharacteristically quiet Patrick. He was looking out of the window, apparently daydreaming about something, which seemed to explain the silence. Kevin grinned. This meant he could just look at Patrick, uninterrupted. Fuck, he was pretty. Even with the buzzcut, he still looked all WASPy and wholesome. It would be nice to see his hair grow. Maybe long. So he could run his hand through it and really grab fistfuls. He'd probably look around 15 years old with long floppy hair. Kevin grinned at the thought. No chance of facial hair. His shaving habits were pathetic and he never grew any stubble. Just wispy soft little straggly things. Eddie had been right to call him a seal pup. He must have been adorable as a geeky, curious, shy awkward, fresh little gay boy at college. Kevin wished he'd known him.

Though he probably wouldn't have looked at him twice back then. Kevin had gone for the muscular, well built, health fanatics since he had been old enough to choose. He'd identified with them, understood them and found them fucking hot. Straining muscles, defined abs, washboard stomachs. That had totally been his thing.

Patrick had been like a bolt of lightning. Completely different from any of his previous relationships. But no one had made him laugh as much, or roll his eyes as much, or made him feel as protective or as challenged. And no one had turned him on as much with just a look or a smile.

The highs with Patrick were fantastic. The lows...well, they were the bloody worst ever. And the normal every day stuff was simply...great. Sure, it was still officially the honeymoon phase, but that couldn't explain away the giddiness Kevin felt, because the honeymoon bliss was balanced by the tinge of uncertainty that hung over them. The 'huge conversation' that was still to be had. Kevin had persuaded Patrick to wait a week before broaching the subjects that had caused the disaster on move in day, but the clock was ticking. He should probably think about what he wanted to say and how he would say it, but...really, what was there to plan and strategize? The basic principle was simple, obviously. He would do whatever Patrick wanted him to.

And rather than be resentful of the power that seemed to give Patrick, Kevin felt a real sense of peace. Of purpose almost. Being the best project manager at MDG gave him focus. Gave him a feeling of accomplishment and of pride. And the money didn't suck either. But being the man that Patrick Murray loved...well, that gave him something entirely different. A sense of well-being. A sense of responsibility and of excitement about the future. Jesus...why did contemplating Patrick always make him so 'fluffy'.

'Why are you rolling your eyes?' Patrick interrupted Kevin's reverie.

'Thinking about how you've made me into a one of those annoying cunts that I've always despised.'

Patrick raised an eyebrow.

'You know. Those people that end every sentence with 'dear' and 'sweetie'. That leave little notes for each other on the fridge and stuff.' Kevin explained.

'When the fuck have you ever done that?'

'I'm just saying...that's the sort of person I am now. Even if I don't actually do those things.'

Patrick stared at Kevin, eventually shaking his head and rolling his own eyes.

'Well now, why are you rolling YOUR eyes?' Kevin asked indignantly.

'Is this one of those weird cross-cultural Britishy things where you think you make sense but actually don't?'

'You know what I mean.' Kevin said smugly.

'We don't need to write notes. We're so in tune we can read each other's minds.' Patrick smiled sweetly.

'Wanker.'

'What? Why?' Patrick protested. 'I bet you can tell what I'm thinking about right now!'

'Well it's either food or sex, and since it's been at least four hours since your last meal I'm imagining it's food.'

'It's been more than four hours since we had sex. Even if you count the morning blow job I gave YOU in the shower, which you really shouldn't since I seem to remember you swore there was no time to get me off too, it's been ten hours since at least one of us had an orgasm.'

'Yeah, but...you're a sex camel. You went for years without getting it regularly so ten hours means nothing. And you sublimated all those sexual desires into eating, because, let's face it, you love having something in your mouth, so for you, eating is equivalent to sex. Thus, I conclude, you are thinking about food. Which is the same as sex.' Kevin explained patiently.

'You're so annoying.'

'Annoying and wrong, or, annoying and right?'

'You know we still need to get chairs to go with the sofa and table we ordered. We should go shopping tonight. I think they're having a sale at Room and Board which you would probably like because it's all sleek lines and totally uncomfortable, just like the sofa, which, god willing, is supposed to be delivered tomorrow. Halle-fucking-luyah.'

'Should we go before dinner, or after dinner? What would you like for dinner? Should we order food in, or are you going to cook food for us? Would you like Thai, Chinese, Mexican, Italian...'

'All right! Yes! I was thinking about food. I'm hungry. Happy now?'

'You being happy is what makes me happy, darling.' Kevin cooed softly.

'You being run over a bus right about now would make me the happiest.' Patrick cooed right back.

Kevin laughed.

'Oh god. The honeymoon is definitely over when you start fantasizing about my demise. All right. Dinner first, then shopping. And we can go to any shop you like for the chairs. As long as they're new. I don't want any second-hand crap even if it is vintage or antique. That's just code words for old and shabby.'

'And I don't care where we get the furniture from, as long as it can be delivered quickly. I have plans for our furniture. We're finally in a place where we won't be walked in on by Eddie or Agustin but we've had nothing but the one bed and then a bunch of hard surfaces to fuck on. I've got bruises on my back and on my knees from all the hardwood. And come to think of it, how come you don't? How come I only get to fuck you in the bed or over the kitchen counter?'

'Shhhh. Shhhh.' Kevin soothed the frowning Patrick. 'Don't worry your pretty head about it. We'll have a sofa and some nice comfy chairs and some plush rugs before you know it. Then you'll just have rug burn to worry about. We should definitely get the furniture scotch guarded though. You're really very messy.'

'Have I told you how annoying I find you?'

'That's cos you're suffering from hypoglycemic shock. As soon as we get some food into the belly of my sweet little fat fat frog, you'll forget all about how much you hate me.'

Patrick turned his back on Kevin and looked out of the bus window. But he moved his hand onto Kevin's thigh, palm up, and Kevin grinned as he tangled his fingers with Patrick's. He fully expected Patrick to come up with a new line of attack but instead, Patrick frowned as he pulled out his buzzing phone.

Kevin listened to Patrick's monosyllabic conversation, and then decided to wait patiently for Patrick to clue him in.

Fuck patience.

'Why did you tell Dom we were busy tonight? We could have met them for drinks if you'd wanted.'

Patrick chewed his lip and avoided Kevin's eyes. Great. That wasn't a cause for concern. Kevin sighed.

'Patrick...'

'I'm just...tired. That's all.' Patrick jumped in. 'I really just want us to have dinner and go shopping. We're seeing them in a couple of days anyway, on Christmas Eve, right?'

'Patrick...'

'No. There's no big 'thing' or 'problem' with Dom. I promise. I just..I just still want to spend time with you. Alone. That's all.' Patrick continued. 'We're surrounded by people at work all day and I want to have some you and me time. We've got so much still to do for the apartment, and I really want to have it all set up and ready for Christmas which we won't be able to do if we don't get some more furniture delivered in like, two days or something ridiculous like that...so...I don't want to spend an evening with other people. Unless...you do. Do you?'

'I'm fine with it being just the two of us. You know that. It's just I don't want you to think you can't be with your friends now that...well...now that we're together. I know what they think of us...of me...but...they're your friends and you love them so if you want to see them, I'm fine with that too.' Kevin said gently.

'We'll see them in a couple of days. That's soon enough.' Patrick persisted, and Kevin knew it was time to back off. He'd been deliberately ignoring his friends invitations to hang out, and even at work, they were having lunch together every day when Kevin was free, or else Patrick was eating at his desk alone. He seemed to have frozen Owen out. Which felt wrong because Patrick and Owen not standing together gossiping and sniping at each other was surely one of the signs of the coming apocalypse. Patrick collected people and clung on to them. When you were his friend you pretty much had front row seats to every drama and every event in his life. He held nothing back. Well...except for those days when they'd been having the affair. Then Patrick had managed some discretion, but knowing Patrick now as well as Kevin did, it was almost inconceivable that Patrick had managed to keep quiet for as long as he did. Patrick didn't DO quiet. He didn't DO discrete. He talked about every facet, every nuance, every angle of his life to all his friends. So why wasn't he talking now? Why wasn't he out analyzing every moment of the past few days with Agustin and Dom? Why wasn't he giving Owen a play-by-play of the last few months over lunch every day?

Maybe he shouldn't back off quite so quickly, Kevin thought. Maybe he should push this a bit more. But jesus f'ing christ. Did they really need another thing to agonize over? If Patrick wanted some distance from his friends then...well..so be it. Kevin would let it go. For now.

'Okay. Dinner, shopping for more fucking furniture, then more fucking on the one piece of furniture we already have.' Kevin nodded decisively.

'And working on the app. Don't forget that.'

Shit. Patrick wanted them to work on some upgrades to OneUpHim. Kevin had tried putting that off too until after the holidays, feeling somewhat exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster and the physical reality of moving, but Patrick was less yielding on that front. They'd been getting some positive feedback and requests for features, and Patrick kept using statements like 'striking while the iron is still hot' and 'capitalizing on the good will' and other such crap, and frankly Kevin didn't have the heart to turn him down. Was Patrick just finding ways to avoid dealing with whatever the fuck was going on with his friends? Maybe. Probably. But who could blame him. Patrick's avoidance strategies weren't really any threat to them as a couple, and if anything, just meant that they got to spend more time working on something they both usually enjoyed and that frankly he was fucking good at, so Patrick got to see Kevin in his element, which was pretty much a turn on for them both and led to some extremely satisfying sex. Win win.

Fuck. Avoidance strategies. He was one to talk. At least Patrick wasn't hiding anything from Kevin in his effort to shield them from the outside world. Kevin on the other hand...

Fuck fuck fuck. He should talk to Patrick about it, he knew, but...who would that really help? What could Patrick actually do about it except worry and spin out of control.

Jon kept calling and leaving messages.

And sending short, curt texts. It was fucking frustrating. Kevin didn't know what to do. There was nothing more to say to him about what happened, nothing that he didn't already know, especially with the whole Megan connection. Kevin had tried texting him back, tried to be brief while apologetic, encouraging Jon to get on with his life. Showing he still cared about what happened to Jon, still wanted him to be happy, was concerned about him, but all Jon wanted was for them to meet. To discuss. To analyze and recap. Kevin knew what Jon really wanted and seeing Kevin wasn't going to help Jon move on. Why he wasn't already back in Seattle was a fucking mystery.

Nope. There really was no upside to telling Patrick about any of that. That was about looking back, and Kevin just wanted them to look forward.

He had done the necessary things to show the world that he, Kevin Matheson, was now the partner of Patrick Murray, and there was no need to dwell on the past.

Kevin had spoken to HR, they were out at work, all of Patrick's friends knew, all of the people Kevin considered important in his life knew. He could not have made a more public statement of intent.

Kevin had even called his dad to tell him about Patrick. Well, if saying 'Jon's out of the picture, I'm seeing someone new, his name is Patrick' could be classified as 'telling him about Patrick'. Patrick had rolled his eyes during the entire two minute exchange. Kevin was a quick learner so he called his mum from work where Patrick couldn't listen in. That conversation was only a fraction more detailed. She was trying to make up for lost time by being supportive and 'interested' but though his own thoughts had become decidedly more poetic since hooking up with Patrick, outwardly he still was keeping himself to himself. She asked him what Patrick was like, and he said 'yeah...he's...alright'. At the end of the conversation all she knew about Patrick was that he was American, about 30, and into computers.

What else was he supposed to say? Hey mum, let me tell you about Patrick, the man I love. The man I fuck. He has lips that make me hard in seconds when he bites the lower one. They're not too plump not too thin and hard. They're perfect and when he licks them I'm fully done for. And when he puts them around my cock I feel like I died and went to heaven. And he has fingers that are all grabby and pointy and he moves his hands around when he talks and I'm mesmerized by how they bend and grip, and when he clutches me with them as I'm fucking him I know he's leaving marks on my body that I can't wait to see in the mirror because they show just how much he loves having me inside him and how he can't help but hold on to me and keep me close. And his hair...his beautiful beautiful hair that I love to grab onto so I can move his head to the exact spot I want it when I'm kissing him or when he's fucking me, which he does so fucking well. He's so good at hitting that exact spot inside me that makes me feel like I'm losing my fucking mind, and all he has to do is wrap his hand around my dick and stroke me once and I'm coming like a fucking freight train when he's so deep inside of me that I can feel him all through my body...

'What are you doing?' Patrick hissed, moving his backpack onto Kevin's lap.

Oh. Shit.

'Erm...I got a woody.' Kevin said sheepishly.

'No shit, Sherlock.'

'I was thinking about the conversation I had with my mum. About you.'

Patrick's eyes widened to an almost comic size. Kevin grinned.

'Relax. The conversation was strictly PG. I was just thinking about all the things we do that I DIDN'T tell her. And I was thinking that maybe we should do some of those things. When we get home. Before dinner. Because as you pointed out, you didn't get to come this morning and that seems like a very dangerous state to be in.'

'More dangerous than a hypoglycemic coma?' Patrick asked, not skipping a beat.

'Definitely. I'm actually worried that if you try to hold in all the sperm you've been producing since last night's epic fuck for any length of time beyond the next hour we may have an acute case of blue balls on our hands.'

'Hmm. I see your point. Can we at least wait till we get home before you make me come or should we just fine the nearest Starbucks...' Patrick trailed off. 'What? What is it?' He asked as Kevin's smile grew broader and broader.

'It is home, right? Our place? It's our home?'

Kevin waited for Patrick's reply.

'I totally get that cunty thing you were saying earlier. Jesus Kevin, could you could please grow a pair?'

Kevin laughed. And leaned in to kiss Patrick. Thank fuck this was San Francisco and no one would bat an eyelid cos there was no way he could keep away from this ridiculous, beautiful man that was his lover.

If every bus ride home was like today's, they were going to have a very good life.


End file.
